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Jewish news since the 14th century BCE

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XV
12 Iyar | April 22, 2021

Checking in with the Hebrews in the Midbar...


Here we are, in 2021 (5781), living our lives as Jews in modern-day countries, with things like electricity, zippers, plumbing, and religious liberty. And as we count the Omer (the 7 weeks in between Passover and Shavuot), it feels only appropriate to travel back in time and see what our ancestors were up to in the desert 3000 years ago.

Sure, we read about them every week in the Torah — the miracles, the rituals, the punishments and rewards — but do you ever wonder, "What were the Jews really up to in those times?" They were out there for 40 years, and there were way more of them than just Moses and his crew. So what did they actually do all day?

Lucky for you, The Schmear found some never-before-seen documents detailing the lives of the Israelites that didn't make it into the Torah.

So sit back, remember to count the Omer, and enjoy our special BaMidbar issue.

Lox of Love, 
The Schmear

Scroll down to read some ancient stories of miracles, revolts, and disappointment...

Click here to see all of our content!

Report: Food Falling from F***ing Sky!

 

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA — In what is being hailed as a large-scale upending of the food service industry, reports are streaming out of the Sinai Desert that food is falling out of the f***ing sky. 

Witnesses claim that approximately 10,000 pounds of a clear food substance called manna plummeted out of the goddamn sky at sunrise in what has been described by leading meteorologists as “some cloudy-with-a-chance-of-meatballs type bullsh*t”.

“Dude it was— dude. Like you don’t even understand man. Like I was just sitting there burning some bush with my pal Elhanan – I mean, studying some Torah – and we felt the munchies coming on, and all of a sudden, just like, tons of food was just like, BAM, dude. You don’t even get it, man,” said Zaphnath-Paaneah son of Yair, who witnessed the scene. 

Machnadebai son of Kish, another spectator, described similar feelings of bewilderment from that fateful morning. “Figures. I dragged a hotdog stand out here from f***ing Egypt. There we were, in the desert, and people only brought enough unleavened bread for a week. Business was booming! All of a sudden, this clear sh*t is everywhere? And free? And tastes like whatever you want? Say what you will about the Lord Almighty but he sure isn’t supporting locally owned small businesses.”

Reporters reached out to God for nutrition facts, allergen information, and information about whether the magic sky loaves are ethically-sourced, but God declined to comment. 

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Uziel

This week in Jewish Sports:

Yerachmiel tried to talk smack to his sister Hedia                         
when they were playing catch with a rock,

but then he got leprosy and had to sit outside the camp for 7 days.

We'll see you next week!

Following Widespread Lashon Hara, Lepers Protest Cancel Culture 

 

THE DESERT, SINAI PENINSULA – Tattlers across the 12 tribes are reporting that Tzara'at sufferers are agitated at their supposedly unfair ostracization from the Jewish community.

Tzara’at, characterized by discolored spots on the hair, skin, clothes, and house, is a disease afflicting those who gossip and spread harmful untruths behind people’s backs. The only known treatment is a priestly purification ritual coupled with a mandatory seclusion from the tribes — although many patients are protesting the isolation forced on them by their tribes upon receiving their diagnosis.

“As soon as I saw the first spot on my arm, I knew what was going on,” said Azariah ben Kadmiel, a 34 year old member of the tribe of Zebulun. “It’s probably from when I told everyone that my friend Yechezkel HaKohen skipped out on his duties in the Mishkan to go see Shir HaShirim live in concert. But I let one little story slip, and all of a sudden I’m not allowed in my own tent? What a bunch of liberal sand-flakes.”

Other members of the wandering tribes of Israel have voiced similar concerns.

“All I did was mention how my buddy Pinchas told some of his first-born Egyptian friends about the lamb’s blood trick, and I get kicked out?” asked Nachum ben Timur, scratching furiously at his blemishes. “They’re all so fixated on Halachical Correctness, they’ve started policing free speech — what gives them the right?”

Many lepers from all 12 tribes have reported that the seven day quarantine was brutal. 

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Manna-scope  🥯
Since it can taste like anything, here is what your
manna taste preference says about you:

Fruit - Be sure to shake out your sandals each morning, for you never know when a scorpion has made them his home.
Duck breast with a red wine reduction and roasted asparagus - Who are you kidding? Make your manna a hamburger like the rest of us.
Lucky Charms - When it is your turn to pack up the Tabernacle, please don't forget the tent pegs. Remember how annoying it was last time when you forgot and then the whole nation had to trace your steps back to Rissah from Kehelata?
Lucky Charms (only marshmallows) - Kick back. Relax. Take a load off. Don’t worry about packing up the Tabernacle, you’re gonna be fine. Have that extra glass of wine.
Ice cream sandwich - It's time to tell your brother you love him, for tomorrow, you may find him dead at the hands of the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hittites, the Hivites, the Jebusites, or the Perizzites.
Clam - Clam? You heretic.You never should have left Egypt. You should probably just turn around now and head back.
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After 40 Years of Wandering, Sinai Jews Disappointed To Discover Israel Is Just More Desert

 

Gilgal, Israel — After 40 years of Moses pumping up the land of Israel, the Jewish people were all disappointed to discover their promised holy homeland is just more fucking desert.

“I don’t understand where those spies got that massive fruit from,” Israelite Jebediah Ben Eli said. “We don’t even have drip irrigation yet.” 

Other Israelites expressed further frustration: “Milk and honey my ass,” quoted Ariel of the tribe of Dan. “At least Egypt had the Nile, plus those big triangle alien spaceship things. We never should have left.”

The tribes Reuben, Gad, and ½ Menasseh were amused by the situation from their side of the Jordan River.  “Those donkeys went through all the trouble of crossing a river when they could have just stayed here,” a Gaditte said. “Some holy land. Our side’s clearly got the nicer mountain views.”

It is unknown currently whether or not God killed off Moses before he entered Israel for the express purpose of sparing him from this grave disappointment. At press time, God could not be reached for comment.

Click here to see this article on the website.

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