A publication for the chosen nation

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XIII
27 Nisan | April 9, 2021

Note: This week's newsletter was delayed until Friday out of respect for Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) this past Thursday.


It's Bagel Week! 

Like Shark Week, but doughier.

This is the week when we act as though spending 8 days without bread was the most difficult part of our year and wayyyyy overcompensate by eating multiple bagels a day. Or maybe not everyone does that? And those of us who do should make healthier choices and stop assuming that just because we see bagels as a symbol of our culture doesn't mean we should actually stuff our faces with them so many times a week?

But that's a problem for another time.

In the meantime, we're back this week with normal, risen, yeasty, glutinous, whole wheat Bagel-o-scopes, and some non-holiday-related content for you.

Also, if you haven’t yet, give us a follow on Instagram! We're growing every day, so make sure you follow our account now to see our best headlines in your feed as we post them – and tell your friends to follow us too! Or don’t. We’re not the boss of you.

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about a new cure for COVID, a definitive ranking of the most Jewish non-Jewish celebrities, and a disturbance in a college dormitory...

Click here to see all of our content!

Study finds Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” more effective than Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines


BALTIMORE, MD – A recent study from Johns Hopkins has determined that while the Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson vaccines are effective for preventing COVID-19, the best cure available is a soulful rendition of Debbie Friedman’s “Mi Shebeirach” prayer.

The study observed 10,000 vaccine recipients and 500 temples, youth groups, and Hebrew school classes — divided evenly between communities that sing “Mi Shebeirach” and communities that sing a placebo song by Matisyahu — and found that COVID patients who hear the pious words of Tefillah set to the late Ms. Friedman’s hopeful melody were less likely to develop harmful symptoms of the virus.

Anecdotal evidence from COVID patients supports the study’s findings. “I couldn’t breathe,” said Steven Beiner, age 67, who was in the ICU for nearly two weeks in March. “I thought I was going to die. But then my daughter sent a video of my grandson’s 2nd grade class singing it. I heard the passion with which they sang the words of praise for God and I could just feel the virus leaving my body.”

In light of these developments, state governments have ordered guitars and songleaders to be sent to every community as rapidly as possible, and the CDC urges everyone who is able to join their JCC day camps’ Zoom sing-along sessions to do so.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins report a similar study is in the works to determine the efficacy of Friedman’s “Not By Might” on the development of cancer.

Photo via Angela Gold

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This week in Jewish Sports:

It's been a slow week, y'all. Check back again next time.

We'll see you next week!

Ranking Non-Jewish Celebrities by How Jewish They Are


Have you ever looked at a celebrity and thought “man, they have to be Jewish” – only to be disappointed when you check their Wikipedia page? Us too! Which is why we’ve compiled our top ten favorite fake-out goys! These are The Schmear’s official rankings of non-Jewish celebrities based on how Jewish they are.


10. Michael Cera   

With his sort of awkward and endearingly neurotic mannerisms, not to mention a head full of curls, you might have suspected Michael Cera may be Jewish. While he isn’t, he is from Ontario, so he’s sure to have mixed it up with some Jews in his life.

9.  Phoebe Waller-Bridge   

The sarcasm. The hair. The television writing. Sorry to burst your British bagelling bubble, but Phoebe Waller-Bridge is not Jewish. I’m not the only one who speculated, however, as one of the top google searches for “Is Phoebe Waller-Bridge…” ends in “Jewish”.

8. Danny Devito   

This one’s a no-brainer. Short, funny, a little crotchety-looking, balding with hair that sticks out about four inches on each side, Mr. Devito checks enough boxes to make you wonder – but he, sadly, will not count in a minyan.

7. Jimmy Fallon   

I figured Jimmy Fallon might be one of those down-low Jews who doesn’t actually practice but is technically Jewish, sort of like a Seth Meyers. Plus he’s loud, dark haired, and lives in New York. Honestly I think SNL cast members should get a free pass, or at least an invite to the Seder.

6. Jorma Taccone   

See, I always assumed he was Jewish just because he was in The Lonely Island with Andy Samberg and Akiva Shaffer. It just made sense. Maybe spending so much time with these two Jews just gave him Jewish vibes. Sadly, he’s a goy, but probably the type of goy who would understand niche Jewish jokes. 

5. Rachel Brosnahan   

Yeah, I’m as shocked as you all are that the star of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is not Jewish. It couldn’t have been that hard to find a Jewish female stand-up comic to play the titular role of the Amazon Original, but since she passes I’m willing to bet that she, like Jorma, understands Jewish humor well enough.

4. Mark Ruffalo   

I can’t get really specific with Mark as to why he could be Jewish. He just gives off casually Jewish vibes. I could see him having a nice quiet Hannukah at home or enjoying a good blintz. He sort of reminds me of my dad, too, so I guess I’m a little biased. Even though he’s not a Jew, I think he would have fun celebrating Purim with me.

3. Steve Carell   

Maybe it’s the nose or his brand of humor, but I figured he had Jewish roots somewhere. Unfortunately, we cannot claim him as part of the tribe, but he still holds a special place in our Jewish hearts.

2. Tina Fey   

Something about being the star of an NBC sitcom based on an NBC sketch comedy show just screams Jewish. Unfortunately Fey, known for her tenure on SNL and her starring role in her own show 30 Rock, is not a member of the tribe. I can still very easily picture her in synagogue, and have seen multiple people that resemble her among the benches.

1. John Mulaney   

Anyone that has seen his standup knows this honorary Jew is from a Catholic family, but is married to a Jewish woman; he’s our absolute favorite Jew-ish goy. Funny, awkward, and an SNL writer, Mulaney already has many characteristics of a Jew, but being married to Anna Tendler-Mulaney just takes him over the edge into number one non-jewish Jew territory. Besides having a Jewish wife, he has worked deep in New York showbiz for a long time, no doubt picking up lots of Jewish traits and knowledge. Mazel Tov to John Mulaney for snagging our top goy spot!

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - Be careful with all that gluten you're loading up on. Your Ashkenazi genes are out to get you.
Sesame - Don't count the omer too early in the day. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Don't count on someone to do the work for you. You know what? Just don't count at all. Math is for nerds anyways.
Cinnamon Raisin - Mars is in Gemini. Do your laundry.
Pumpernickel - This week will bring a fateful decision. Whatever you decide, maybe don't tell your mom for another few weeks.
Everything - That goldfish you won at the county fair in 2nd grade and killed after two days is haunting you. That’s why you keep hearing bumps in the night. Change your locks. 
Blueberry - Don't forget your best friend's birthday this week! Can you imagine if I hadn't reminded you? That would have been real awkward. You're welcome.
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Entire building disturbed by sounds of local student on phone with grandmother


URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, IL – Disaster struck Alana Rappaport this Tuesday afternoon when the  University of Illinois sophomore was rushing to her biology midterm and her phone chimed.

“My dad texted to remind me that it was my Bubbe’s 86th birthday, and to make sure I remembered to call her before she went to bed at 4:45,” Rappaport explained. “Obviously, I had already texted her this morning, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to call her for like five minutes.”

The call lasted 22 minutes and 34 seconds. However, only 9 of those minutes actually consisted of conversation between Rappaport and her grandmother, Harriet Fishman of Long Island.

“I FaceTimed her to say happy birthday, but she answered on her iPad, which was connected by bluetooth to her headphones, which were on the counter in the other room. Then she got those, but she didn’t want me to see her face because she hadn’t washed her hair, so I tried to switch it to phone, but that was charging and she didn’t know where.”

While this may sound relatively tame to the casual observer, passersby report being shocked at the volume and ferocity of Rappaport’s conversation.

“I was working on a paper when I heard this yelling outside my door,” said Bryan Alvarez, one of Rappaport’s neighbors. “So I open the door and just see Alana going ‘IT’S THE TOP RIGHT BUTTON, BUBBE! BUBBE! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?’ She looked defeated.”

Eddie Marks, Alvarez’s roommate, was walking through the hall a while after Alvarez had already gone across campus looking for a quieter place to work. He reported, “When I saw Alana, she was sitting against the wall in the common area, screaming something like, ‘I’M FINE, BUBBE! NO, I’M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE. YES, ILLINOIS. COLLEGE IS GOOD. I SAW YOU AT THANKSGIVING, REMEMBER? YES, ROSH HASHANAH. I’LL SEE YOU THEN!’”

When asked, Rappaport said, “I honestly didn’t realize I was being so loud until my RA came outside to tell me. At that point, my Bubbe had just realized that I was me, not my 29 year old cousin who lives in LA. Honestly, I think next time, I’m just going to email her.”

Rappaport had no comments on when she thinks her grandmother will stop calling her by her mother’s name.

Click here to see this article on the website.
Fun fact: this was the first article ever written for The Schmear, on the day the idea was born!

Brought to you by Schmear enthusiast Micah Steinberg

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