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The best thing since Diaspora Jewry

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue VI
6 Adar | February 18, 2021

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's finally Adar! We will not apologize for our enthusiasm. If the world can celebrate Christmas for ten months out of the year, then we as a nation – and as a Jewish satirical news site - can celebrate Purim for a week and a half. And you better believe that we will.

As we fondly recall the super spreader event that was Purim 2020, it is abundantly clear that this Purim is going to be different. Hopefully just as joyful, but probably with fewer shared drinks and drunken encounters in photo booths – not to mention that licking groggers is nowadays frowned upon. (You know who you are.)

Of course, Purim is still a week away, so if you don't have a costume yet, you have plenty of time to find one that is just your face (for your Zoom Megillah readings) or everything but your face (for your socially-distanced Megillah readings).

In the meantime, enjoy some Purim articles in anticipation of what we here at the Schmear like to call “Fun Uncle Halloween,” and make sure to read until the end for very groundbreaking updates in the Jewish community at large.

We hope you have a lovely weekend!

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about this kid who will not quit talking about his gap year, an intervention held for a friend who intentionally likes poppy seed Hamantaschen, and the next prophet of our generation (a baby)....

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Area Kid Went on Gap Year, We Get it


BALTIMORE, MD – The greater Baltimore Jewish community is well aware that Jonah Reitman spent the last year in Israel.

Since Reitman, age 19, returned from his 9-month journey in Israel, he has brought it up many times. 

A week after arriving back in the United States, he attended synagogue wearing a kippah he bought at Machane Yehuda market, according to every single member of the congregation who happened to bump into him that day.

“He never used to even come to shul,” reported Herschel Jaffe, a long-time member of the synagogue. “I hadn’t seen him since his brother’s bar mitzvah. But he cornered me for 20 minutes to tell me about how he was more religious now, after spending the year in Jerusalem.”

“I got that story too,” said Amy Plotkin, another congregant. “But he also told me all about his food blog, and showed me the Star of David necklace he bargained for in the Old City.”

“We get it, Jonah,” said Plotkin’s 15-year-old son Harrison.

By the following week, Reitman’s high school friends had given up on inviting him to hang out at their favorite restaurant. His friend Adam Schiff said, “He’d just lecture us about how the kosher food there is so good and tell us how we have to get Blundstones, or something. I love the kid, and I love Israel too, but I just can’t anymore. Like dude, we get it.”

When asked if he would ever make Aliyah (move to Israel), Reitman gave a 14 minute answer that seemed like an emphatic yes, followed by about 100 reasons that he actually wouldn’t, if it really came down to it.

Reitman then proceeded to list his favorite “hidden” alleys to take pictures of at sunset (for example, the one right after you enter Jaffa Gate on your way to the Western Wall) and shared his personal thoughts on the status of the Knesset.

Jonah, buddy, we get it.

Click here to see article on website.

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SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Lauren thought she matched with a pro football player on J Swipe,                         
but it turned out to just be some dude named Jake whose Fantasy team did

really well this year, and he literally would not shut up about it.

We'll see you next week!

Intervention Held for Friend who Prefers Poppy Seed Hamantaschen


MONSEY, NY— An intervention was staged this week for local Jewish teen Jacob Alterman, after it became apparent that he prefers poppy seed hamantaschen even to flavors like chocolate chip, apricot jam, and cherry. 

“It all started when he was 16 and our parents got divorced. He came home from a Rosh Chodesh Adar party with a bag of poppy seed Hamantaschen – at the time he said it was all they served that night; It seemed suspicious but I was naïve enough to believe it,” said Tamar Alterman, Jake’s older sister. “He would publicly berate people who consumed the objectively good flavors. It’s just so hard to watch someone you love go through something like this.”

It was Tamar and Jake’s best friend, Eitan Asklerud, that decided to hold the intervention: It got to a point that if he was at a Purim party that served date, raspberry, and fig hamantaschen, but not poppy seed, he would have nervous breakdowns. The opium withdrawal was just too much. I decided we had to stage the intervention when he threatened to physically harm Rabbi Green after he only brought chocolate-filled to school.”

While studies have found that 22% of teenagers would be open to trying poppy seed filled hamantaschen in a social context, a troubling statistic in and of itself, only 7% of American Jewish teenagers are desperate enough to choose poppy seed over the non-disgusting fillings. Of the group who did make the unfortunate choice to go for poppy, 94% would end up trying heroin within 6 months. Thankfully, Jake’s friends intervened before his case became critical. 

At press time, a reporter walked in on Eitan crushing up and snorting poppy seed hamantaschen in the bathroom. 

Click here to see article on website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - “When the month of Adar arrives we must increase our joy,” which is why your family will continue to watch the new comedy specials on Netflix instead of coming to see you new one-man play.
Sesame - Your new diet will cause animosity between you and your mother when you explain that it mostly just consists of not eating her meatloaf.
Cinnamon Raisin - Whatever you do, don’t make pasta for dinner Thursday night. Just trust us. 
Pumpernickel - One of your good friends will become heavily addicted to poppy seed hamantaschen. You know what to do.
Everything - Don’t forget your Hebrew birthday is coming up. And don’t ask why we know that. 
Blueberry - The stars are telling us that today will be overcast with rain showers. Areas of freezing rain possible. Temperatures nearly steady in the mid 30s. Winds N at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 40%.
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Baby in Back of Synagogue Must REALLY Hate Haman


SEATTLE, WA – Congregation Beth Shalom’s Emma Geller, the 4-month old daughter of Meital and Ben Geller, showed her admirably staunch disapproval of the evil Haman’s attempted genocide of our people Erev Purim, when she would not stop crying through literally the entire Megillah reading.

Emma began crying as soon as Rabbi Eric Horowitz began reading the first chapter of the Megillah, and did not stop until well after Dr. Avraham Kleiman concluded the tenth chapter. “At first, I was furious and annoyed that she kept crying,” said congregant Mrs. Irene Wolfson, “but then it occurred to me. That baby must hate Haman – like, really hate him. And that is exactly the kind of passion that we need to bring back into the younger generations of Jews.”

Community members have speculated on how it is possible for someone who was born so recently to already have such strong feelings about the Persian vizier who tried to have the Jews killed around 2500 years ago.

“Maybe she’s already telling us that she will be a great prophetess for our generation,” said Emma’s grandmother Debbie Geller. “The way her crying got more intense every time the name Haman was read and the whole room filled up abruptly with the sound of groggers – I think she really understands the roots of our struggles as a people and how that translates into the realities of modern antisemitism.”

“Emma’s impassioned response to the Megillah reading gives me hope for the Jewish future,” said Rabbi Horowitz.

Neither Emma nor her parents could give a comment on this revelation, as her parents were drunk in the social hall, and Emma was chewing on a string of Mardi Gras beads and is a baby.

Click here to see article on website.

Kiddush Club
This is the part where The Schmear hears from YOU

Answer our Purim prompts!
  • Your Purim costume that makes you roll your eyes the most when you remember it
  • The strangest thing that happened to you at a Purim celebration
  • Your Purim hot takes
Take these as you will. If you would like to contribute, click here for the form.
SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Yes, those are Bagel/Lox/Cream Cheese Hamantaschen
being used AS bagels WITH cream cheese and lox!
(My mouth is watering.)

Courtesy of: Melinda Strauss
Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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