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All the news that's fit to fabricate

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue IX
27 Adar | March 11, 2021

On Jewish Dog Names
 

When you think of the strength and prevailing culture of the Diaspora, what comes to mind? Food? Music? Cinema? Whatever you answered, you're wrong. The beauty of American Jewry is demonstrated in the best possible way by Jewish dog names – today, we’d like to categorize them and discuss their implications.

First, we have the obvious, Jewish foods. To all those dogs named Kugel, Babka, Zatar, Bamba, Falafel, Latke, and Brisket, keep doing what you're doing. Those dog owners – regardless of whether they’re religious Jews or cultural Jews – clearly have no shame screaming odd, yet recognizable, words across the dog park.

Secondly we need to discuss the Biblical names. They might feel weird on a dog, until you get used to the dog – then it feels weird to read it in the Bible. If your dog is named Moshe, Betzalel, Noah, Samson, Delilah, Benjamin, or Ruth, you probably have a hard time reading the Torah without picturing certain characters as your dog, but it definitely makes synagogue way more interesting. 

The third category, a personal favorite of ours, is the random Hebrew word pet name. If you've ever met a dog named Yofi, Sabra, Motek, Lev, Kodesh, Briut, or the ever-creative Kelev, you know that their owners tried to train them with Hebrew commands, before giving up, reconciling with the grim reality that they’ll probably never make Aliyah, and switching back to English.

Lastly, we have Jewish pop culture dog names. These are the Golda Meirs, the Mrs. Maisels, the Tevyes, the Feivels, the Ilan Ramons, and the dogs named after Seinfeld characters. We have to be honest. These are just weird. The dogs and the owners.

Overall, it seems like a good strategy for making Jewish friends in the neighborhood. And a lovely way to stay connected to our heritage.

Thank you for coming to this Ted Talk.

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about a man saying kaddish, a new take on tattoos, and how to stop talking about your camp...

Here are some NJDs we like quite a lot.
If you would like to send a picture of your dog being Jewish, email official.theschmear@gmail.com.
No guarantee we post it anywhere. Some of us just might want to see them :)
Click here to check out our new content!

Elderly Persian Man At Least Four Words Behind Throughout Entirety of Mourner's Kaddish
 

BEVERLY HILLS, CA -- Mourners praying at Congregation Mogen David reportedly had trouble getting through Kaddish at the end of a Wednesday afternoon Mincha due to the delayed recitation of Haim Ephrampur, a 78-year-old Iranian member of the community. 

The Mourner’s Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer said for 11 months after the death of a family member of the first-degree, consists of 26 words and takes a few minutes to say – although sources on the scene reported the prayer taking approximately an hour and a half to get through thanks to Mr. Emphrampur saying each word of the prayer several moments after the rest of the congregation.

Congregants of Mogen David confirmed that when the other mourners slowed down to allow Mr. Emphrampur to catch up, he apparently did not realize he was the issue and slowed down himself. The confusion led Rabbi Habooshpour to pace back and forth impatiently and audibly groan, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

Witnesses at the scene expressed their dissatisfaction with Ephrampur’s out-of-sync prayer. “He also says it three times louder than anyone else,” said daily attendee Elazar Joseph. “I mean, the dude basically shouts the entire thing like ten whole seconds behind everyone else.”

“What?” yelled Emphrampur when asked for a comment.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar

This week in Jewish Sports:

JCC Little League registration has opened up.
If your kid wants to play, please encourage them to do so. If your husband wants to coach, please encourage him not to.  The coach to players ratio is 4:1 at the moment, and growing.

We'll see you next week!

Opinion: Please don't tell my Bubbe about my tattoo
 

Times are changing, and as we become more progressive, we accept more and more things that used to be taboo – things like divorces, facial piercings, and same-sex marriages. Though we have begun to normalize things like this, those in the older generations still may not be as accepting as us in the younger ones. So with that in mind, please don’t tell my bubbe about my tattoo.

I know tattoos are a big no-no in Jewish culture, but I really wanted one and I can justify how it fits into my own view on Judaism (but that’s a whole other discussion). It was not an impulse decision, I can assure you. It was long thought-out and very much anticipated. I was totally sure that I wanted it before I got it, and have no regrets now – a few years later. This might make sense to you, but bubbe will still not approve. So please, let’s just keep this between us.

It is a very meaningful tattoo to me, and the story behind it makes me very happy. It brings me joy when I look down and see it. I love when people ask about it because I get to explain why I got it. Though it makes me happy, it would break my bubbe’s heart. I know you probably don’t know my bubbe, but if you happen to meet her, please, for the love of god, don’t mention the tattoo.

Ok, so she saw my older sister’s tattoos and didn’t go feral, but that doesn’t mean she won’t if she saw mine. I am the youngest grandchild, afterall. Growing up, she threatened to write us out of her will if we ever got a tattoo. She hasn’t told my sister yet that she’s out, but only time will tell.

Look, it’s a really easy tattoo to keep hidden, although I did have a close call a couple years back on holiday in Boca Raton. All I’m saying is that if we all agree to not mention it in front of my bubbe, she never has to find out. If you tell her I got a tattoo, I will deny it, and then tell her that you’re dating a goy. So, please, everything will be so much simpler if you just don’t tell her. Thanks.

Click here to see the full article on our website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - The good news is that Charedim and Reform Jews have finally found some common ground. The bad news is that they all want to excommunicate you.
Sesame - You will make a huge Kiddush Hashem this week when you decide to tip more than 15% for the first (and last) time in your life.
Cinnamon Raisin - Your urge to watch Frasier, eat chicken soup, and apply to medical school will be strong this week. Don’t give in. Be the one that breaks the curse.
Pumpernickel - Tired though you may be of hearing how vital it is to practice self-care, you must take the advice seriously. With Mercury no longer retrograde, the time has come for you to start brushing your teeth twice daily. And don’t forget you have the dentist on Tuesday so try to floss at least the night before.
Everything - Switching to a paleo diet will be your redemption this month.
Blueberry - I know you're thinking about buying that pint of ice cream, but remember, you have no one to share it with. Please just think this through.
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Opinion: Stop talking about your camp

 

Enough already.  Just because we’re both Jewish, it doesn’t mean I want to hear about your “life-changing” past Jewish experiences all the time.

People have to stop talking about their camps and youth groups (unless they are the same ones I went to). Seriously, we are in college. We’re adults, and high school is a thing of the past. So stop making me sit through stories about your camp (except if I also went there and have stories to go with them).

College is the time for learning and doing new things. We all want to do important things when we graduate, and we’re here to learn how. So why am I supposed to care that you happened to be on board of your youth group? (Unless it was my youth group, in which case, let’s share tips and stories about conventions!)

Honestly, we all need to move on. I mean, what even is the point of Jewish Geography? So we’ll realize we know someone in common that neither of us is close to and then what? Neither of us will tell that person? Why is that worth my time? (Unless it turns out that we went to the same summer leadership program a year apart so we might have actually had the same counselors! How cool would that be?? Ok you open Facebook and I’ll pull up Instagram and we’ll see our mutuals!) Like, we get it. We all know people in common. It’s not exciting anymore (except what if we were actually at the same bat mitzvah in 2011 before we knew each other??)

My point is this. Lots of people went to camp. Tons of us went to conventions and conferences and shabbatons in high school. I really don’t have the patience to hear about yours anymore, and the sanity of our whole community will be better if we all agree to just let the past be the past (unless you maybe want to plan to both wear our camp shirts on the same day? Yeah no you’re right that would probably too much. Let’s just spend the next hour going through my youth group photos, which you aren’t even in, but maybe if you were 2 years older we might have gone to the same event that one time!)

Grow up, guys. Really. It’s not always about you.

This piece was written by Liana Slomka, a 9-year camper and 4-year counselor at Ramah Darom, and 2-year BBYO Greater Atlanta Regional board member. (Email official.theschmear@gmail.com if you think you have a connection with her! If not, then please don’t email her!)

Click here to see this article on the website.
Image from Becket Chimney Corners YMCA

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