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For when the national news is too antisemitic

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue VIII
20 Adar | March 4, 2021

It's March. Time to reminisce.

Remember last March, when we were optimistically preparing for Passover, thinking this pandemic was only going to last a few more months and that the goyim would be back in church by Easter?

... Not much we can do about it now, but it’s nice to think about times gone by. 

And as Jews, it's what we do best anyway, which is why we're never not in the middle of reading the Torah. It's like those people that are always in the middle of rewatching Star Wars, and when they finish, they just start over again. And you roll your eyes at them and go, "but those movies are so old and the plots are repetitive," and then you go and read a book written 5000 years ago about a group of people walking in circles around the desert for 40 years. And as soon as you finish it, you do a dance - in a circle - and you start it all over again.

Here at The Schmear, we promise we’ll never make fun of you for watching Star Wars. I mean come on, an ancient tradition of reclusive monks called “Jedi” (as in, Judah?) led by an all-knowing, short, gray-haired wise man named “Yoda” (literally Hebrew for “knowing”) who walks with a cane? it's just too Jewish.

You may have noticed by now that many of our articles take place in a pre-Covid world. And that's definitely true. But knowing that our world is never going to be exactly the same as it used to be, the best thing we can do is reminisce.

So as we near a full year of social distance and isolation, all we can really do is remember the traditions that have connected us through times even stranger than this one. After all, we as Jews have survived everything from the Crusades to the Clone Wars.

As always, we hope you're enjoying our stuff.

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about how you're already behind on Passover prep, a lonely college girl, and how to fight harmful Jewish stereotypes...

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Bad News: Passover is Basically Tomorrow


Yes, it’s technically still February, but if you aren’t already getting prepped for Passover, you’re in a whole mess of trouble.

Obviously I hope you had a nice Purim and Shabbat, but let’s be real—Purim was a million years ago, before we started Pesach-cleaning… oh, you haven’t started yet? Oh, honey. Oh no. Please don’t tell me you haven’t started Pesach cleaning! It’s February 28th for God’s sake! And you’re just getting around to it? You poor, sweet thing.

I hope you’ve gone shopping already, because the limited section in the grocery store that sells matzah is already sold out! You hadn’t heard? They started selling matzah around Chanukah, and the last box was sold last week. (Although I heard Tamara Spielberg got it, and I know her kids bought some boxes too. You didn’t hear it from me, but I know she’d sell you one of her spare boxes if you tell the Rabbi to go to her seder instead of yours.)

Are you doing a virtual seder? I hope not, because it’ll take you easily a month to explain to your parents how to join the Zoom call, even though they sort of did it last year. And I hate to break it to you, but you don’t have that kind of time anymore.

You know what? I’m sure it’s fine. As long as you’ve started making your desserts and prepping the meats. Which obviously you have, because you weren’t raised in a barn.

All this to say, Passover is basically tomorrow, and I’m sure everything will get done in due time, and you’ll have a lovely holiday with your loved ones. Oh… you can’t find any macaroons? Very well. We’re all screwed.

Note: This article was published on February 28 and has been republished here for emphasis. We are, in fact, aware that it is now March – which, if anything, makes it all just that much more urgent!

Click here to see this article on the website.
Photo credits: Mikael Häggström, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar, who cannot convince Coach David that this job has value,
so will be taking over for the foreseeable future

This week in Jewish Sports:

Levi missed club baseball tryouts, as he was still getting                      
over his Purim celebrations. I truly wish I had

something else to report, but I'm coming up empty.

We'll see you next week!
Lonely College Girl Browses @OnlySimchas on Instagram at 3 a.m.

 

21-year-old Batsheva Navon scrolled through popular Instagram account @OnlySimchas for 7 consecutive hours last night in her Brandeis dorm room. 

The page, which has amassed over 75.8k followers at the time of publishing, shares photographs of simchas within the global Jewish community. The account features a range of celebratory events, from Beis Yaakov girls graduating high school to Beis Yaakov girls getting engaged six months later. 

Navon reportedly finds her way to the feed at least once a week – though if you ask her, it’s always by accident. “I was just clicking through and it came up,” she said, “I don’t even follow them. On my main account, I mean.” 

Chana-Leah Baskin, Navon’s roommate, claims she overheard Navon quietly sobbing late last night. “She kept muttering ‘Rochel wasn’t even cool in third grade, how is she getting married before me?’ under her breath. I mean, she’s right – but I heard Rochel’s fiancé is an English major at SUNY Buffalo, so big whoop.” 

Baskin showed Schmear reporters Navon’s collage of photos with her own face digitally edited onto popular OnlySimchas posts. There were also several pictures of her high school ex-boyfriends, with numbers in the margins ranking them by attractiveness, success, and potential for rekindling the relationship. Navon declined to comment.


Click here to see the full article on our website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - For the last time, you cannot get a handicapped parking spot just because you claim to be “legally tone deaf.”
Sesame - Despite the 3000 year hiatus from using stoning as a punishment, it turns out the Rabbis will make an exception for you after all.
Cinnamon Raisin - The moon is in Virgo, so now is a really great time for huge, impulsive, life-altering decisions. Of course you should cut your own bangs.
Pumpernickel - Have you seen Shtisel yet? Because ohmygod you have to, you would love it.
Everything - As the stars enter the Karpas region of your chart, it may be time to finally stand up to your grandpa and tell him you refuse to say the Four Questions this year. Let your 5-month-old niece embarrass herself for a change.
Blueberry - You will find joy in the weather outside, but not in discussing the weather with your mom.
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How to fight harmful stereotypes with poor financial decisions

 

You may be stuck with a larger-than-average nose and those awfully uncomfortable horns, but you don’t always have to be seen by goyim as the token Jew. Here’s a few helpful, cost-effective tips on how you can get non-jews to think you’re just as frivolous and financially wasteful as they are – on a budget!

1. Buy into your cousin’s startup – Tel Aviv may be hopping with new successful startups to invest in, but everyone knows your cousin Yossi’s tie-dye tzitzit shop isn’t taking off. Throwing a couple hundred dollars his way could convince your family that you actually believe in his potential, and will show the world you’re not as stingy as the antisemites believe you are. Bonus points if you never see that money again.

2. Keep the Change – Even if you’re using a credit card, using the phrase “keep the change” will make the Macy’s cashier question if Baptists can have noses that big.

3. The old tzedakah trick – Turn that loose change into a respectful display of warm-hearted benevolence in no time by folding a 2 dollar bill very carefully so people think it’s a twenty and stuffing it conspicuously into the Tzedakah box during the busiest Kiddush of the year. Use this to trick your Bubbe into thinking that you actually did invest your Bar Mitzvah money.

4. The homeless switcheroo – Get your friend from Yeshiva to pose as a homeless beggar and drop a hundred into his Dunkin’ Donuts cup. Not only will bystanders be shocked at your generous donation, you might even be able to make some money off of those suckers. 

5. Go to Vegas – Who said you can’t live it up out west on a budget? Telling your goyishe coworkers about your weekend in Vegas might make it seem like you’re gambling away your fortune like a real gentile, when in reality, you could be enjoying a musty yet charming Motel 6 just outside of Reno.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
This schmear is from "the best bagel place in DC, Bagels Etc."
Courtesy of: Camp Kesem counselor, Badger

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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