Not your Bubbe's newspaper

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XVII
24 Iyar | May 6, 2021

It's the end of the semester ... 

... which may not be a very big deal to some of our readers. But in case you missed it, The Schmear is written by a dedicated team of college students, so it's big to us.

That's right. Contrary to the beliefs supported by our stellar writing of the finest Jewish satire you've ever seen, we are actually not doing this full time. But we really do love it, so we've been very excited to see our following grow over the four months since we launched.

That being said, this semester has been very hard. Between Zoom fatigue, social distancing regulations, and courses that would be boring even if they were in person, it's been rough. Not to mention alienating all our friends even further because all we ever talk about is The Schmear.

So if you know anyone who's been in college this year (or high school, for that matter. Or in the workforce, or unemployed, or retired... if you know anyone, we guess) check in on them. Give them a hug if you're vaccinated. Or toss them a paper airplane with a heart drawn on it if you're not. (We hear that releases the same endorphins as hugs.)

And once you've done that, sit down and read this week's end-of-semester issue. We guarantee it'll give you a laugh or two.

Lox of Love, 
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about a student taking on his oppressive professor, a senior with ambitious post-graduation plans, and freshman looking to expand his worldview...

Click here to see all of our content!

Antisemitic Professor Fails Student Who was Absent Whole Semester, Never Turned in Assignments, Just Because He's Jewish


SYRACUSE, NY — The Jewish community of Syracuse University has publicly called for the condemnation of Professor Robert Aldrin’s antisemitic actions last week.

Professor Aldrin gave a failing grade to Micah Wittenberg, a junior in the psychology department, who has been notably outspoken on campus about his Jewish identity and support for Israel.

Speaking to a reporter, Wittenberg explained, “I had heard since the beginning of the semester that some professor in the department had said antisemitic things before. I didn’t know who it was, but I never wanted to go to class because of it. In fact, I think I only went to lecture once, and I never went to discussion. Still, I didn’t expect he would actually fail me just because I’m Jewish.”

A month before finals, Wittenberg received an email from Aldrin, which read, “You currently have a 24% in my class. You have yet to submit a fully-written paper, and your midterm exam received the lowest grade I’ve ever seen. If you intend to pass, I would suggest you start attending discussions as soon as possible.”

“Can you believe he sent that on the day before Passover?” Wittenberg expressed. “This was clearly a thinly veiled threat, that he knew I wouldn’t abandon my religious commitments so he would have to fail me. I knew I had to protest this, so I sat out the weekly quiz which occurred during Chol Hamoed, as well as the one during the second week of the Omer.”

Wittenberg has publicly called this an “outright aggression against the Jewish people” that has made him “no longer feel comfortable being a Jewish person on this campus.” He ended the semester with an 11%, which the Student Portal shows was inserted by a TA.

Hillel has released an official statement asking the university administration to condemn Professor Aldrin and rectify his offensive actions. Fellow Jewish students have started a grassroots social media campaign using the hashtag #GiveMicahHisA, sharing harrowing stories of times professors have antagonized them for nothing but their culture, faith, and general work ethic and commitment to the class.

Robert Aldrin told one reporter, “I don’t care who he prays to. The kid turned in empty assignments all semester. Also, my wife and kids are Jewish.”

Wittenberg has since appealed for a grade change, posted on his Facebook story with an infographic about the rise of antisemitism, and realized that he actually used to play JCC soccer with Aldrin’s son, Isaac.

Click here to see this article on the website.

Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Abby decided to go for a swim to take a break from studying for finals
but then she lost the earrings she'd been wearing since

her bat mitzvah in the neighborhood pool.

We'll see you next week!

College Senior Announces Plans To Become 40 Year Old Man Playing Basketball at the JCC After Graduation


Ithaca, NY — On Wednesday, Noah Trasser of Dallas, TX, a Senior at the Cornell school of philosophy, turned in his thesis and announced that he has made definitive plans for after graduation. Trasser intends to emotionally prepare for being a 40 year old man playing basketball in the local JCC.

“I was offered a job at a consulting firm, and I’ve thought about going to law school, but I have to be real with myself,” Trasser said. “When I envision my future, I see myself sweating a little too much and shouting a little too loud in the JCC gym, dressed in a 16 year old t-shirt from a synagogue fundraiser and a knee brace, while my kids sit on the bleachers, begging me to leave.”

Trasser’s mother Cheryl has expressed thinly veiled disappointment. “His sister Dana is in medical school at Georgetown and his brother Martin is engaged, but as long as he’s happy…”

“It’s the dream,” Trasser explained. “When I think about putting a sweatband where my hairline used to be and playing with five other middle aged men and a 23 year old who is way more in shape then the rest of us but always joins our games for some reason… I feel at peace.”

Trasser’s roommate, Gabe Kolodner, has indicated his support for the plan. “I can imagine him being way too out of shape to play, but somehow I know he’ll still be king of the court until the preschoolers come in for play time and force him out of the gym.”

“I want to clarify that I don’t want to act like I’m 40 now,” Trasser noted. “But I do know precisely what my life will look like 18 years from now, and I see no point in turning away from that path."

At press time, Trasser was seen buying tall white socks and filling a water bottle he got at his high school’s Lag Ba’Omer Fun Run.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - Double check you're writing on that whiteboard with dry erase markers instead of permanent markers.
Sesame - You'll do better than expected on one final, and exactly as expected on another. (Yes, it's the one you expect to do very badly on.)
Cinnamon Raisin - Listen to the stars tonight. Especially if they're reminding you to charge your graphing calculator.
Pumpernickel - The earth's rotation has brought Jupiter into view. This can only mean one thing. You're severely dehydrated. Stop drinking coffee and pick up a water, girlfriend.
Everything - You need another all-nighter like you need a punch in the face. Very much.
Blueberry - Treat yourself to a bagel, champ! It's the least you can do, since you truly look like shit.
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Adventurous HaKotel alum decides to leave the Jewish bubble, attends Maryland


COLLEGE PARK, MD — Yaakov Davidson of Houston, TX is officially getting out of the closed-off ‘bubble’ of Modern Orthodox Judaism. “I’ve just been on the same path my whole life,” Davidson said of the decision. “I really wanted to get out of the same system, the same echochamber. I think it’s really healthy to experience new ways of life and open up my way of thinking.”

At a family shabbat this past friday, Davidson announced his plans to skip out on his second year of Yeshiva in favor of attending Maryland University, where he will study pre-law. Davidson claims he will only attend Hillel shabbats “most of the time,” assuming he is not home for a family simcha. Davidson had previously planned on attending Yeshiva University in Washington Heights.

The son of a Rabbi and brother of two doctors, Davidson has always been the black sheep of the family. “You know, his brother Chaim did Shana Bet at Shaalvim, and got his PhD at Harvard? Even his sister Channa did Shana Bet.”

Davidson emphasized that while he fears the fast-paced brutality of the outside world, he is excited for his impending adventures and for whatever this new and basically off-the-derech life will bring him. 

Click here to see this article on the website.

Courtesy of: The Osofsky family
Not quite a schmear, but this fried lox has been referred to as "the bacon of the Jews" so it seemed deserving of a feature in this email

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