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A publication for the chosen nation

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XII
19 Nisan | April 1, 2021

Happy Holidays! 

By holidays, we of course mean Passover and April Fools' Day.

We at The Schmear have a special place in our heart for pranks, so today we have a special gift for you — A Pro's Guide to April Fools' Day Pranks!

Here are the 3 most important things to remember, for your own good, before planning a prank:

1.   Never prank someone who is not going to find a prank funny
2.   Never pull a prank that is unnecessarily difficult to clean up
3.   A prank should be fun and make a person laugh and appreciate your effort. It should not interfere with their ability to live their life the way they want to.

Now you officially cannot say that we didn't warn you.

With these in mind, here are some of our best prank ideas for April Fools' 2021:

1.   Sprinkle bread crumbs all throughout the box of special Passover dishtowels and silverware. Then, while your mom is cleaning up, find the box of her grandmother's china, and throw it out the window.
2.   Mix shaving cream into the cream cheese in the fridge.
3.   Take a picture of your brother's vaccine card, copy it to use it for yourself even though you haven't been vaccinated, go outside and lick a bus stop, and then go to Shabbat dinner at your grandpa's house and give him a big kiss.
4.   Mix glue into the leftover Charoset in the fridge.
5.   Hack your sister's Facebook and re-friend all the uncles and crazy family friends she has un-friended over the last year.
6.   Mix bleach into the leftover squash in the fridge.

Remember, always prank safely! And be sure to let us know how your pranks are received.

Lox of Love and Chag Sameach,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about a crazy seder, a successful student's job, and 5 celebrities who aren't dead... And don't think we don't have horoscopes and a sexy schmear just because it's Passover...

Click here to see all of our content!

Local Father Waterboarded But Still Won’t Reveal Afikoman Hiding Spot

 

ANY OF THE FIVE TOWNS, NY — Tensions were high this past Sunday night when the children of the Bloom household employed advanced interrogation techniques on their father Shloimie Bloom as part of an ongoing investigation regarding the location of the afikoman. Shloimie, who usually just hides it behind a picture frame, took his responsibilities to the next level this year, forcing his children to resort to waterboarding. 

“We needed to end the Seder,” his son Yossi Bloom said, “It was already 1 A.M. when we started looking, we needed to end it before it came time to say the morning’s Shema.”

Shloimie’s youngest son, five-year-old Jakey Bloom, was particularly excited to participate. Sources claim that Jakey’s suggestion to substitute salt water during the interrogation almost brought Shloimie to a breaking point. Jakey’s intensity was motivated by the promise of a new Harry Potter Lego were he to find the elusive flatbread. 

After an hour of trying, the family gave up. The interrogation is still ongoing, but according to sources close to the Bloom family, a generous reward is offered to anyone who finds the afikoman, stale or not.

“Gughahgugahd,” said Shloimie, when asked for comment.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar

This week in Jewish Sports:

A wine glass fell off the table at 2nd seder and
Yael caught it before it hit the ground.

We'll see you next week!

Student insists working at summer camp looks more impressive on resume, after being rejected from 14 summer internships

 

GAINESVILLE, FL – After months of applications to various internships, University of Florida sophomore Emily Perling has ultimately decided to return to Camp Coleman for the summer.

“Working at camp actually looks better on a resume,” said Perling, a computer science major who applied to nine different software companies’ summer internships, three international research programs, and two political campaigns. “When I apply to jobs after college, they’ll see that I’m responsible enough to look after other people’s children for the summer.”

As a third-year staff member, Perling will sleep in a bunk along with 10-year old girls and get three hours of sleep a night and not have WiFi connection for eight weeks. “Yes, I decided to go back to camp after I got my last rejection email, but I knew all along that it was the right thing for me to do,” Perling said. “Employers love to see a consistent resume, and I’ve been going to camp since I was eleven, and working for three summers.” Perling has never held any jobs outside of camp, and has moved each summer from being a lifeguard to a climbing instructor to a bunk counselor.

“Besides, shouldn’t I do what makes me happy? I have the rest of my life to do internships, and I love being at camp.” Perling spent half of last summer in the infirmary pretending to have mono because the 12-year old bunk hated her so much that they put spiders in her bed.

“I guess it’s better than wasting a summer in some boring unpaid internship,” Perling said. She will be making roughly 84 cents an hour, and will spend around $80 on each day off.

“This is what I should be doing. I don’t need to develop an app or staff a campaign to make a difference. I’m engaging the future of the Jewish people, and future employers will know that I am dedicated, creative, flexible, and competent.”

Perling still plans to apply to about three more internships before signing her contract with the camp. Camp Director Michael Glasser was generally ambivalent to the prospect of Perling returning for another summer, anyway.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Matzah-o-scope  🥯
What your matzah choice says about you:

Matzah with cream cheese: You wish you were eating a bagel right now.
Matzah with butter: You also wish you were eating a bagel right now.
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5 celebrities you thought were dead but are actually alive and Jewish


1. Wallace Shawn
My family had a full-fledged argument at dinner about whether “the short guy from The Princess Bride” was still alive. Turns out he is not yet dead, and he is as Jewish as his name is goyish.

2. Bob Dylan
Although reported dead by MSNBC in Nov 2020, this Nobel Laureate singer-songwriter is not only alive, but is actually a midwestern Jew named Robert Allen Zimmerman.

3. Mel Brooks
Although “is Mel Brooks dead” comes up as a suggested Google search result, this comedian, though 94 years old, is very much still alive, as well as being pretty famous for, yes, Jewish-related comedy. (Not to be confused with Mel Gibson, who is both alive and famously not Jewish.)

4. Zach Braff
Although the “Scrubs” actor was reported dead on CNN.com in 2009, he is actually alive, well, and the son of a Conservadox family who had his bar mitzvah in New Jersey.

5. Jesus
I don’t know what you’ve heard, but Jesus has actually risen. And not only does he love you (according to an aggressive billboard campaign I’ve seen), but he was actually born in Israel and was a prominent rabbi in his time! And thanks to the billboards, I also know that Jesus is, in fact, the answer. (To what question, though, I couldn’t tell you.)

Click here to see this article on the website.

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
This truly gourmet delicacy is courtesy of Steven Teman
We miss bagels too.

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
If you like what you're reading, make sure to check out our website for even more great content, and share it with your friends!
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Silvera, Mizrahi, Slomka, Planer, Weiss, Levisohn, Siegman, Merkin, & Gleaton
(We are not a law firm.)
(But like, we could be.)






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