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A publication for the chosen nation

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XI
11 Adar | March 25, 2021

We can't pretend for any longer that it isn't almost Passover 

We've been living in denial for the last few weeks, buying more and more chametz, and convincing ourselves we'll have time to eat it.

Well, Passover starts on Saturday, and Shabbat is even sooner than that. So if you're not quite ready for the holiday yet... you probably have a few minutes to dedicate to reading this newsletter! No rush! The chametz isn't going anywhere! Although maybe that's the problem.

We have tons of great Passover content that we are excited to share with you over the next week — we hope you like it, and maybe send it to all your friends. Listen, we're a growing Jewish business, and until we make it into an Adam Sandler song, nothing will be good enough for us, and we will continue to ask our loyal followers to share your favorite pieces with all of your friends and family.

In the meantime, we hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about a lucky COVID survivor, where (not) to find chametz, and a frustrated youngest child, and as always, check out our bagel-o-scopes and the Sexy Schmear...

Click here to check out our new content!

Sephardic COVID Survivor Conveniently Loses Sense of Taste Right Before Visiting Ashkenazi In-Laws for Passover

 

SEATTLE, WA – After a long battle with the COVID-19 virus, local graduate student Aaron Abarbanel was relieved to find his lost sense of taste and smell have not yet returned, just in time to visit his in-laws of Polish descent. 

“When I go over there I already have to shovel cold pressure-cooker brisket and boiled chicken down my gullet,” said Abarbanel, “but then on top of that I have to pretend that I like it? Thank god I get a year’s respite.” 

Abarbanel’s wife, Sara Abarbanel neé Lifschitz, supported her husband through this turbulent time: “Aaron’s battle with Covid was such a stressful time, I’m just glad he’s still with us. And after what he’s been through, he deserves a break – if he had to suffer through that and my mother’s cooking... I don’t know if he has the strength to survive.”

Relieved, Aaron is looking forward to a Passover dinner where he doesn’t have to fake-complement his way through a night with the in-laws. “We already have a rocky relationship. Now, at least I don’t have to deal with the flavorlessness of the so-called food. But I can’t escape the texture. Why do Ashkenazim prefer their food slimy?”

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar

This week in Jewish Sports:

Noam went to buy some new running shoes for his first 5K since 2016 
and he ran into his old camp counselor in Footlocker. It was sort of awkward.

We'll see you next week!

Opinion: I promise there isn’t chametz in my Internet history so you definitely don’t have to look there

 

As you start to search high and low for chametz in your houses, I understand that you’ll need to check under every couch cushion and between every fold in every sweater, but I promise you that there is no chametz in my browser history, so it’s honestly just not even worth looking there.

I know how it sounds, but I’m really not hiding anything. I just know for a fact that you're not very likely to find breadcrumbs, and definitely very unlikely to find 29 searches trying to figure out the spelling of Chnakuha. And I am very confident that if you were to look back through my internet history you would find fewer pieces of chametz than the amount of views of the Maccabeats’ “Jewish Despacito'' video – and since I’ve never seen that video, much less watched it 11 times in one day, that means there’s even less evidence of bread in my browser history.

Besides, there’s other places to find chametz. In fact, I’m sure there’s some under my bed. So look there. Definitely don’t look in my search history. Not because there’s an embarrassing amount of searches for where to buy canned Bartenura, and not because you might see more videos of “oddly satisfying slimy gefilte fish ASMR” than you ever needed to see — just because there’s no leavened bread at all hidden there. I mean, I don’t know where you would even find that if you wanted to. Definitely not in my browser history. But why are we talking about that? There’s obviously no chametz there.

I’m really not embarrassed by my browser history. It’s not like I googled Daveed Diggs over 31 times within a five hour period. I’m just telling you that it’s not worth your time to check, because there are certainly no crumbs there.

But if you do end up sweeping through my room and you come across an internet history full of searches like “food porn challah,” it wasn’t me.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - Enjoy this bagel. It may be your last. For a week or so, relax.
Sesame - Venus might be in Capricorn, so beware of new relationships, women emerging from seafoam, and goats. 
Cinnamon Raisin - Stop bragging about your matzah brei recipe, it’s scrambled eggs and water crackers. No one is impressed.
Pumpernickel - That roasted lamb shank on your passover plate? You know you want to eat it. Right off the bone like a frickin’ caveman. Do it. Dine with the gods in Valhalla. Tear the flesh with your teeth and give your Neanderthal brain the best day of its pitiful three-braincell life. 
Everything - You may feel chametz withdrawal symptoms. It's important to understand that this is an important part of getting healthy. There are resources out there to help you. Or just wait a few more days and then buy a dozen Krispy Kreme and eat them all at once.
Blueberry - The moon’s phases will interact with Pluto in your fourth house, so you really need to be wary of- wait there’s birthday cake in the break room I’ll be right back
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Opinion: I shouldn't still be singing the four questions in my 20's, right?


I’m the youngest child in my immediate family – including my 17 first cousins – so it makes sense that I did the four questions when I was a kid. Maybe I even did them a little longer than the average person did, right? I mean, no younger siblings or cousins to take over for a while, yeah I get it. But tell me how in God’s name am I 20 years old, going on 21, and still doing the four questions at this year’s seder?

Ok, I’ll give last year’s seder a break since it was towards the beginning of quarantine and we weren’t really prepared to do a Zoom seder. I spent the first and second night with a few members of my immediate family. But even before that, at our huge family seders, I was well into my late teens and still the youngest person who could recite the questions. Not the youngest person, mind you, but kids under 5 aren’t really able to read English yet, let alone memorize a Hebrew song they only do once a year. 

I’m already feeling the foreboding feeling that washes over me when we start to approach the four questions portion of the seder. I duck my head down, I pretend to be really invested in the Haggadah, I try not to make eye contact with anyone as they look around; but without fail, every year they inevitably realize that I’m still the youngest person who can read Hebrew. My heart fills with the black dread of hearing everyone say my name and a gleeful “take us away!” that belies the sinister evil of making a fully grown adult sing a lullaby in front of their entire family. What cruel God would release our people from bondage but tie me to this fate year after year?

As we approach another seder in quarantine, I am already preparing myself for a solo rendition of the questions since group singing really doesn’t work over video chat. Happy Passover everyone, I guess. Here it comes.

Click here to see this article on the website.

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