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All the news that's fit to fabricate

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue X
4 Adar | March 18, 2021

The Schmear is 10 Weeks Old!

Welcome to the 10th issue of The Schmear newsletter. In just 10 weeks, we have published some quality journalism, from reporting on the most scandalous affairs in the Jewish community to investigating the most significant news stories — not to mention cutting-edge thought-provoking opinion pieces.

Our community has grown by hundreds of followers, and whether you were one of our firsts or you've subscribed more recently, we are so glad to have you here.

As we all know, 10 is a very important number in the Jewish tradition. For example, we have the 10 Commandments, 10 people in a minyan, and the 10 plagues, not to mention the 10 Tribes, the 10 days and nights that Noah was on the ark, the 10 aliyot in each parsha, the 10 books of the Torah, the 10 Temples in Jerusalem, and the 10 days of creation.

So on this very special and spiritual day, we thank you for helping us get started, and we'd like to assure you we have no plan of slowing down anytime soon. So if you didn't realize it was supposed to be comedy and you've spent the last 10 weeks mildly concerned about the goings-on of the Jewish community, sorry to deceive you — but to our readers, hang in there, because there's a whole lot more coming your way in the next 10 weeks and beyond.

Have a wonderful week.

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team


Scroll down to see the winning headline of V'nahafochothon, read about a shockingly eloquent bar mitzvah speech, add some Jewish movies to your list, and, as always, check out our bagel-o-scopes and the Sexy Schmear...

Click here to check out our new content!
The following headline was the winner of our first annual V'Nahafochothon headline submission contest.

Thank you to all of our talented readers who sent in hysterical submissions, and congratulations Michael Krone on your win!

Opinion: The world does not need more Jewish a cappella groups

 

We all flip our latkes in the air sometimes, but if you can no longer do it without singing a Taio Cruz parody, then we can agree on something important — the world does not need any more Jewish a cappella groups.

For thousands of years, our Jewish heritage has been kept alive by the traditions and culture that bonded us. It was this strong sense of culture that allowed us to retain our faith through centuries of oppression. So how can it be that when this culture came into contact with YouTube, it was strangled, mangled, and beaten within an inch of its life (not unlike a potato being made into a latke) and what emerged was a few billion renditions of One Day and even more Shehecheyanu remixes?

Listen, I enjoy Broadway-themed Adon Olams and Abba covers of the Shabbat blessings as much as the next guy. All I’m saying is if I have to hear one more acoustic version of Al HaNisim or Disney version of Birkat Kohanim, I will delete my Spotify faster than these pseudo-creative Yeshiva League song-vultures jumped on Hamilton for a Hanukkah medley.

Some of you may be wondering to yourselves, Doesn’t every college a cappella group deserve to perform? To that I say, do you really want to hear Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah as sung by gangly bowtie-clad 19 year olds who didn’t get into their first choice group? I’ll give them a chance, but I swear on Ben Platt’s Tik Tok that if they mix their Naomi Shemer with so much as one bar of Lady Gaga, I will leave with the determined conviction of an a cappella group member suggesting a Kelly Clarkson parody called Since U Been God.

I mean no personal disrespect to the several trillion members of Jewish a cappella groups around the world. I merely believe it’s time to face the world we’ve created — a world in which the guys who made the Jewish Billie Eilish/Old Town Road remix are hot celebrities selling out JCC concerts — and admit to ourselves that we just don’t need any more Jewish a cappella groups.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar

This week in Jewish Sports:

Did you know the NBA was started by Jews?                          
Seriously. You can look it up. Unfortunately, that is the most recent Jewish
basketball news I have to share with you.

We'll see you next week!

Shocking: Bar Mitzvah Speech Makes Sense?

 

PORTLAND, OR – Congregants at Temple Or Shalom were shocked this morning when bar mitzvah boy Daniel Haber’s speech was both coherent and interesting.

Earlier that morning, the 13-year-old Daniel stumbled through his maftir and haftorah readings, which were barely audible to the friends and family who had traveled from around the country to be there on his special day. His Bloomingdale's Boys’ department blue-striped tie seemed too tight for him, and he was clearly sweating under his Macy’s Boys’ department gray suit jacket. Reportedly, his baseball-printed kippah had been sliding off his head all morning.

When he stepped up to the podium and took a big swig of water before opening his folder, guests were not expecting the eloquent stream of poetry, wisdom, and understanding that was about to flow from his lips.

As he illustrated the parallels between baseball players, steroids, and Moses destroying the tablets, congregants and family notedly gasped when they realized he was actually making good points. When he wove connections between racial unrest, his late grandfather’s experiences in the Holocaust, slavery in Egypt, and the Avengers, some family friends began to tear up.

“I couldn’t hear a word he said all morning leading up to the speech,” said Al Feldblum, 87 year old congregant who frequently sits in the back row. “But he spoke so clearly when he read that poem in Hebrew and related it to that Spanish piece about American colonialism. I’ve never felt so inspired in synagogue. And then when he tied it back into baseball and Rick and Morty… wow. Just wow.”

“My favorite was the end,” said his baseball coach, Marc Silverman. “The way he thanked his parents, siblings, friends, and teachers, called for a better movement to combat climate change, and then quoted Rabbi Akiva and A-Rod? The rabbi could learn a thing or two.”

When asked after the service how he felt about the reception of his speech, Daniel blushed and said, “I’m glad they liked it, ‘cause my dad said if I did good, he would take me to GameStop tomorrow.”

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - Find the beauty in the next friend you make, for it will be your last, for a considerable period of time.
Sesame - Your beshert is ready to meet you, but are you sure you want to meet them with that shirt on?
Cinnamon Raisin - Wearing a mask this week will be your salvation when you go an entire day without realizing you have broccoli stuck in your teeth.
Pumpernickel - Cleaning for Pesach will prove difficult when you discover your childhood pet salamander “Slimy” under the couch after he went missing 10 years ago
Everything - Hello? Don’t be confused, I’m you but from the future. Listen very carefully, I only have a couple of seconds. Whatever you do, do not s
Blueberry - Expect the unexpected. Both in regards to where you'll find chametz and how many dead animals you'll find with it. Slimy hasn't been having a great 10 years.
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Lifestyle: Reviewing Jewish Movies I Have Never Seen

 

I have watched a great deal of films made for, by, and about Jews, but honestly it’s just not possible to see them all so I won’t even try. Here are my reviews and ratings of some of these films that I have never watched.

Yentl (1983)
I don’t need to see this film to know it’s full of yiddish words and sexism. On the other hand, it is directed by a woman. In this house we respect women in film. 7/10

Bugsy (1991)
I’m going to assume this is about Bugsy Siegal who was a Jewish mobster with an unsolved murder. That’s badass. We need more Jewish representation in crime families, I think. And good Jewish mysteries. Bugsy Siegal provided us with both in his life. May his memory be a blessing. 9/10

Schindler's List (1993)
You know what, I do actually need to watch this. Preemptive 8/10

Fiddler on the Roof (1971)
No thanks, if I wanted to talk about poor Jews for two hours, I’d go to therapy. 3/10

Full Court Miracle (2003)
Jews playing basketball? Now this I gotta see. 6.5/10

The Great Dictator (1940)
Did you guys know that Charlie Chaplin’s body was stolen and held for ransom? Isn’t that wild? Like they expected his widow to pay actual money to get her dead husband’s body back? She didn’t, but that’s bananas. On a similar note, his ghost has been seen sometimes at the American Legion which I guess was kind of a club for a bunch of Hollywood stars. Can you imagine meeting the ghost of Charlie Chaplin? I think I met the ghost of Clark Gable once when I was in Nevada. I was- oh, right, the movie. Uh… 5/10? 

The Ten Commandments (1956)
I just feel like if I’m going to watch a movie about Moses, it’s going to be The Prince of Egypt. That movie slaps. 9/10 for that one, 4/10 for this one because it’s not The Prince of Egypt.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: "Chabad gave me a bagel for putting on Tefillin"

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