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The No. 1 name in Jewish satire; f**k you Larry David.

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XIX
9 Sivan | May 20, 2021

Disregard last week's headline. THIS is our last email for the summer.

It's not a goodbye, it's a see you later!

We regret to inform all of our loyal readers that The Schmear newsletter team will be taking a break over the summer. (One of our writers will be at camp, surrounded by Jewish teenagers and cult-like traditions, researching for future articles — get excited.)

We'll try to send a few updates over the summer, if it's possible, but we just want to let you know not to expect an email like this every Thursday morning. But we will continue to post on our website and social media, so make sure you're following @theschmear_ so you don't miss any of our crucial and relevant headlines.

ONE LAST THING: If you have noticed the code in these emails this whole time, and you've been wondering when it would finally be time to decipher it, it's now! And if you haven't noticed it before, you now have a few weeks to catch up.

I'll give you a hint — It's not that clever of a code (it's a pretty well known code), and it's been in the exact same place in every issue. Even if you didn't receive every email, you can find the archive here. And enjoy your stroll through the history of The Schmear! Good luck!!

Thanks for a great semester!!

Lox and lox of Love, 
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about the new Jon Stewart, some pick-up lines, and a shockingly successful Conservative synagogue...

Click here to see all of our content!

Local Grandma Can’t Understand Why Jon Stewart is Black Now

 

BOCA RATON, FL — Grandmother of nine Ruthie Goldglance turned on Comedy Central last week for the first time in years to a shocking surprise: Jon Stewart, the 26-year-long host of The Daily Show, is now a Black man. 

“Back when Bush was president I used to love The Daily Show,” Ruthie said over a frantic phone interview, “I don’t remember him being Black. You stop watching a show for five minutes and all of a sudden everyone is Black.”

Her son Simon explained that Ruthie hasn’t watched the show since 2015, when South African comedian Trevor Noah took the mantle from Stewart. “We blocked the channel once the whole election thing started because it’s all she would talk about,” said Simon. “I guess she switched cable providers or something.

“If this was her reaction to a Daily Show replacement,” Simon continued, “I can’t imagine how she handled Michael Jackson.”

At press time, Ruthie was on the phone with Comedy Central’s New York office, explaining her situation to confused low-level employees. 

Click here to see this article on the website.
Photo courtesy of Hayden Schiff from Cincinnati, USA, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Emily’s roommate is dating the son of an ESPN executive,
which would be way cooler, if she had ever watched ESPN.

We'll see you next week!

Ten Ways to Let That Saucy Boy Across the Bar Know That You’d Let Him Wreck You 24 Hours a Day Except for on Shabbos

 

No that bars are opening up, here are some ways to subtly (or not so subtly) let that cute ass boy across the bar that you are down to get straight up weird with him any day of the week, save for Friday night and Saturday until sundown.

  1. Strut Your (Hebrew) Stuff – The most obvious way to let a cute guy know that you are, in fact, Jewish is to wear a graphic t- shirt with Hebrew on it. Nothing gets square-jawed hunks fired up like the classic Hebrew Coca-Cola shirt, or shake it up and go with a popular band logo with the name spelled out in Hebrew. Extra points if you got the shirt in Israel or your Bubbe sent it to you just because she thought you would like it! If you’re going for more of a cocktail look, the necklace with your name in Hebrew you got for graduation will work, too!

  2. Is this Kosher? – This is an easy one, just loudly ask the staff if the food you just ordered is kosher. This will likely confuse them, so you have plenty of time for that Semitic Sweetie over there to notice you explaining the Torah to an unsuspecting goy who is just trying to do their job. 

  3. Get the (Israeli) Party Started! – Make sure he is in earshot when you request an Israeli pop song to be played in the bar. You can’t go wrong with a Hatikvah 6 or Omer Adam song! 

  4. Show some cleavage – Come on, you’re Jewish, not Mormon. Let them thangs hang out a little! No boobs? No problem! Any skin showing at the chest or below the elbows will let him know you’re a straight-up freak.

  5. Ever Heard of Goldstar? – Order a Goldstar in front of him. The bar definitely won’t have it, giving you the opportunity to sigh and reluctantly order another drink. This will show him that you went to Israel and got a little crazy! 

  6. Weed ‘em Out – Offer him some pot. You can show him you’re generous (guys love a girl who gives Tzedakah) and get high in one easy move! 

  7. Pray it Up! – Make sure to say your blessing before your first drink! Anything other than wine is going to be Shehakol. This will show him you’re ready to party but still a respectful Jew. 

  8. Happy Ending – In addition to saying your prayers before, remember to do your post-bender blessings as well! Invite him over for birkhat, mayim achronim, and a nightcap! 

  9. Shots! Shots! Shots! – Make sure to get into a shots contest with him and win! You establish your dominance and scare him a little which definitely turns him on. Finish your final shot with a big ol’ “Oy Vey!”

  10. The Freakin’ Weekend – “I haven’t seen you here before,” he says, to which you innocuously reply “oh you must usually be here Fridays!” This lets him know you are an avid partier but not on Friday nights. Fridays are for kabbalat shabbat and a pre-cooked chicken dinner with the friends. But the other 6 nights a week you are free and down to go absolutely apeshit.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - Broadway is opening up, but take heed. Your auditions will not go well.
Sesame - Bars are opening up, but take heed. You couldn't handle that many shots even before the pandemic.
Cinnamon Raisin - Amusement parks are opening up, but take heed. Stay hydrated and don't puke on Cinderella.
Pumpernickel - Movie theaters are opening up, but take heed. Extra butter is the only way to go, but make sure you're able to get to the bathroom at a moment's notice.
Everything - Hollywood is opening up, but it's still not ready for you. Your auditions will not go well.
Blueberry - It's time to make your move! Ask that girl out! Just make sure you don't take her to a play, a bar, an amusement park, or a movie.
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You’ll never guess how THIS Conservative Synagogue actually GAINED members!!

Click here to see the article on the website.

Trust us. Click it.

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: The New York Jewish Week
So, in case you missed it, The Schmear was featured in a (non-satire) magazine!
And for some reason, this was the picture that they used for the article.
Like, some person working for an actual magazine made this bagel and took this picture. And we really love and appreciate that.

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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(But like, we could be.)






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