Satire for the people who invented satire.

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue I
1 Shevat | January 14, 2021
Just what you needed – another Jewish news source!

Dear Reader,

Ever wondered why there isn't a reliable satire platform for young American Jews?

Maybe you follow a Twitter account making fun of your youth group, or you're in a WhatsApp group sending memes about your summer camp. Maybe you've inherited your grandpa's knack for oddly offensive Jew jokes that your college Hillel friends don't appreciate as much as you do. And yet, these just don't seem to cut it.

So where can you find real, top-of-the-line Jewish satire? 
Probably somewhere in Jerry Seinfeld's basement or Sacha Baron Cohen's glove compartment. But don't worry, we have the next best thing. And you, the reader of our very first newsletter, are the most important part.

The Schmear is (as far as we can tell) the world's first, foremost, and only Jewish satire publication, written by and for young Jews.

Our subscribers will receive a newsletter every week or so with our finest and funniest pieces for you to enjoy (or be slightly offended by). And we're just getting started, so if you like what you read, please forward it to friends you think might enjoy it.

We can't wait for you to join us in doing what Jews do best: thinking we're way funnier than we actually are.

With Lox of Love,
The Schmear Editorial Board

Scroll down for some very important news articles, bagel horoscopes, one sexy schmear, and some special opportunities for our early readers.

And of course, a happy Rosh Chodesh Shevat to our lovely female readers, and our non-female readers who wish they also had a whole day of the month for them. One day, boys, the world will be yours!

We have more articles on our website – check out!

(And make sure you follow our social media to see our headlines on your feeds. Links at the bottom of this email.)

Hillel member posts infographic to Instagram story, solves Israeli-Palestinian conflict

CHICAGO, IL — Palestininans and Jews around the world have breathed a sigh of relief and begun mass celebrations as an infographic shared by University of Chicago Hillel treasurer Josh Goldfarb has finally put an end to the decades-long conflict between Israel and Palestine. 

Since being posted last Thursday, the graphic, which depicted the colorful silhouettes of an Israeli soldier and an Arab man shaking hands over the word PEACE, has garnered over 40 likes. 

“I think the image really captures how we all feel about the issue,” said Goldfarb during his Nobel prize acceptance speech. “The imagery is really powerful. The soldier represents Israel and the Arab represents Palestine, I think. They are shaking hands with each other because they like each other and it says ‘peace’ under it because that’s what it is that they are shaking their hands about.” 

Later that Thursday evening, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced his plans to withdraw from disputed territories, citing Goldfarb’s post as inspiration. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas similarly declared Palestine’s official recognition of the State of Israel. Since then, the two have drafted a historic plan to peacefully merge the two territories.

“I, eh, was not so sure about the, eh, picture,” Netanyahu said in a press conference. “But when I saw that it said the word ‘peace’ in all caps, it, eh, really -- how you say? -- hit home for me.”

“Yes,” said Abbas.

As of yet, Goldfarb has no serious plans to make aliyah. 

Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

still nothing, guys. sorry

We'll see you next week!

New record for loudest sound ever heard: Grandma whispered in synagogue

BOSTON, MA — A new record has been set for the loudest sound recorded in human history. The title was once held by the 1883 eruption of the Krakatoa volcano, which was heard 3,000 miles away – but on Saturday, Arlene Rosenberg, 77 year old member of Congregation Or Yisrael, attempted to whisper during the Silent Amidah.

As congregants were quietly finishing up their Musaf prayers, Rosenberg turned to her daughter Beth Neuman and, intending to discreetly spread some new gossip, whispered “DID YOU HEAR THE SCHNEIDER BOY IS DATING A SHIKSA?”

Congregants looked up from their prayer books. Children playing on the playground outside stopped and turned. At the yoga studio down the street, women gasped. At the park across the neighborhood, dogs lifted their ears. 

Neuman quickly responded, “Mom! Lower your voice, we’re in shul!” But Mrs. Rosenberg was already unwrapping a crinkly butterscotch candy from her pocketbook.

Two and a half minutes later, as Rabbi Mark Schuler stood up, about to speak, Mrs. Rosenberg said under her breath, “I SAW THEM AT THE SUPERMARKET THE OTHER DAY. SHE HAS A TATTOO AND HER LIP IS PIERCED.”

At this, a chandelier fell in the social hall and one of the stained glass windows cracked. Thankfully there were almost no casualties.

According to others present, the rest of the service passed in relative quiet, as they all tried to restore their hearing, only to succeed just in time for the Rabbi’s son’s tone-deaf Aleinu. It lasted until Adon Olam, when Rosenberg, using all her effort not to let her voice rise above a soft purr, said “AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN HIS BROTHER. BONNIE TOLD ME HE’S LIVING WITH A MAN.”

A bus crashed outside, and at Fenway Park, fans could not hear the sound of the fireworks following a home run.

Eli Schneider, who was sitting a few rows back, reportedly said “Oh, was she talking about me? I didn’t hear that.” He has since left town.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - You'll reconnect with a friend from childhood and talk about how many people you know in common for 45 minutes.
Sesame - Make sure to look out for high ledges, pogroms, or a nail in your smoothie.
Cinnamon Raisin - That mole your mom is worried about is actually just a piece of chocolate. Get a second opinion just in case.
Pumpernickel - You'll find love where you least expect it. Maybe your grandma's friend actually does know someone good for you.
Everything - Your lactaid pills will come in handy this week.
Blueberry - Don't throw away that old box of matzah in your pantry just yet, you never know when you'll need it.
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Bar Mitzvah theme makes area kid seem way more into basketball than he really is

MIAMI, FL  When guests walked past the life-size cutout of LeBron James welcoming them to “Ryan’s Home Court” at the Hilton last Saturday night for Ryan Glazer’s bar mitzvah party, then passed under an arch made of basketball balloons and into a ballroom full of tables with centerpieces made of light up hoops whose backboards said “RYAN”, the message was clear – this kid is way more into basketball than they remembered.

Throughout the night, guests dined on paper plates with the Miami Heat logo and received Heat-themed jerseys that said “RYAN” on the back. Guests could take pictures at the photobooth, posing with backgrounds of Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Jimmy Butler. And they could write messages on the frame of a poster-sized picture of Ryan standing in the middle of the American Airlines Arena court. 

Ryan’s mother Paulina Glazer reported that her son is an avid basketball player, to which Ryan responded, “Yeah, I’m on a team at the JCC, but I don’t think I’ll keep playing in high school or anything.”

When asked who his favorite player is, Ryan replied, “Oh I don’t really watch the games that much. I guess… Babe Ruth? Honestly, when the party planner asked me what I like to do, I thought my mom would roll her eyes if I said Fortnite, so I just kinda said basketball. It’s fine, I guess.”

At the end of the night, Ryan was seen throwing his branded basketballs through the centerpieces with his younger sister, Sophia. She scored considerably higher than he did.

In future newsletter issues, we will be presenting a weekly segment:
"Kiddush Club," where we share readers' responses.

The first prompt is Jewish Camp Horror Stories.
Think "things that could really only have happened at Jewish camp."
Take that as you will. If you would like to contribute, click here.
Courtesy of: My Food and Family
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D. Silvera, J. Mizrahi, L. Slomka, E. Planer, A. Weiss, M. Levisohn, & Z. Siegman.

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