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Satire for the people who invented satire.

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue II
8 Shevat | January 21, 2021
Well, we've had a good run, but it's time to say goodbye to The Schmear, apparently.


Dear Reader,

What a week it's been. We launched our newsletter, got a new President and new Jewish first-grandkids, and The Schmear team got an email from one Schmear: Bagelry & Cafe in Arizona asking us to change our name. Yes, really.

I mean it's crazy. We didn't even know schmear was a word. We just saw it sitting there on a Boggle board and liked the way it sounded. And now we find out it's a confusing way for Eastern European Jews to spell cream cheese? My head is spinning. But it seems like it's time for The Schmear to close our doors.

Just kidding! Turns out we are probably not actually in direct competition with a family owned deli outside Phoenix. (I mean, how could we be? Sure, our writing is top notch, but our bagel recipe leaves something to be desired, and theirs honestly looks heavenly.) So we are most likely not going to close down everything – we are just getting started, and we have tons more comedy to share with you! (Seriously. Stay tuned. The funniest is yet to come.)

So, we are (still) The Schmear, a satire publication for young Jews and anyone whose sense of humor is the same as a young Jew.

I really hope you are actually reading this because you want quality Jewish comedy, but if you are confused and were looking for the best bagels and lox in the Southwest, I can't blame you. Check them out and order some whitefish salad for me.

Anyway, if you like what you've read so far (in this newsletter, on any of our social media, or on our website) then help us out and forward or share with some friends! Help us show the Jewish world that we have as much right to our name as a bagel shop! (Okay maybe we don't, but still, help us get the word out that we do have some great content!)

With Lox of Love,
The Schmear Editorial Board

Scroll down for some very important news articles, bagel horoscopes, one very sexy schmear, and a special opportunity for our early readers.

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OH NO: Camp Rabbi pulling out guitar for some reason


Townsend, TN – While campers aged 8 to 14 were finishing their lunches of soy chicken nuggets, ominous whispers started to pass between the campers closer to the front of the dining hall. In just moments, the news had reached even the bunk forced to sit next to the supply closet in the back: the rabbi was pulling out his guitar. 

“We were just sitting there, talking about what we wanted to do while we ditch the glassblowing activity,” said Lila Katz, 13, “when I looked up and saw Rabbi David quietly taking his guitar out of its case. He had this weird little smile and wouldn’t look any of us in the eye”. Campers on the scene described watching in horror as Rabbi David plugged his sticker-covered acoustic guitar into a speaker at the front of the room.

“All we wanted was to say birkhat and go to the lake” said Sadie Rafferty, 13, “We were really just hoping that he was getting ready for a group who had music next. But then… he put that little earpiece microphone thing on.” 

It was reported that after strumming an extremely loud G chord, the Rabbi spent a full 47 seconds saying “Shhhhh” over the microphone, although the room was silent after about twenty. Without warning or introduction, Rabbi David began with a subdued Shir Halleluyah that crescendoed into him excitedly jumping around by himself while campers reluctantly mumbled along. 

After a fifteen minute long set, only about six out of the fifty campers in the room were standing up and dancing. The campers were eager to leave after the last song was finished – a drawn out Heveinu Shalom – but were reminded they had to stay for a ten minute Birkhat, complete with synchronized hand signals and dancing.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Avi came really close to a 3-pointer at the JCC.
Like, it almost hit the bottom of the backboard.

We'll see you next week!

Yeshiva Boys Choir members mysteriously disappearing after reaching puberty


NEW YORK, NY – Yeshiva Boys Choir lead singer Aharon Greenberg mysteriously vanished this week after reportedly discovering his first armpit hair, leading fans of the singing group to wonder what exactly happens to the Yeshiva Boys when they reach puberty.

Aharon, age 12, has been singing with the Choir since he was five years old, earning solo parts in Kol Hamispolel and Shir Hama’alos. His close friend Beryl Glipschtein told Schmear reporters that Aharon was putting on his black velvet kippah with his name stitched on the edge and buttoning his white button down shirt over his tzitzit when he noticed a small hair in his armpit. A few hours later, Aharon’s father Bezalel Greenberg reported him missing. 

“Boys have been disappearing when their voices drop, and none of us know where they’re going,” Beryl said. “I watched when Yossi had to get braces and Tzvi grew out of his pants, and they both disappeared. And when Moishe got a mustache, we never saw him again. I just hope it won’t happen to me, so I wax my upper lip to be safe.”

Other Yeshiva Boys have been urged to speak up. 9 year old Hillel Blum said, “Nobody really knows what happens when your voice drops. All we know is one day Dovid H. is freaking out because he can’t sing treble anymore and then the next day, there’s a new kid named Dovid S, but no more Dovid H.”

10 year old Shlomo Geller explained, “I remember the day before Gedalya left he was acting all weird. Really jittery, and the director kept looking at him. Every time he did, Gedalya would jump and even started crying in the middle of Ashrei. It was the day right after he told us he had started using deodorant.”

“Avrum Yankel was lucky,” Geller added. “He made it to his bar mitzvah. But then his voice cracked while he leined his haftarah. All we saw was one well-placed high velocity Sunkist gummy and then, well, he was off the derech... for good.”

Choir Director Pinchos Bergman denied our request for comment, although Bergman’s next door neighbor reported seeing a light on in his basement and hearing a mournful, post-pubescent rendition of Ah Ah Ah Ashrei coming from within.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - You will discover a new species this week, but beware – it will be your downfall.
Sesame - Opportunity lies ahead. Last one there is a rotten egg.
Cinnamon Raisin - Try a gluten free diet for a month lest you forget who you are.
Pumpernickel - You almost certainly will not attend a concert this month.
Everything - Your beshert is waiting to meet you, but your friends won't like each other so it won't work out.
Blueberry - You can borrow floss and toothpaste from a friend, but never borrow their toothbrush.
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Top 5 Kosher Restaurants in Midwest City 


1. The Pizza Place 
Everyone loves a good, old-fashioned, traditional Midwest-style pizza! This Kosher restaurant sells a variation of that, which has been described by locals as “edible,” and even “not bad!”  Wow! Get it while it’s hot! They also inexplicably sell sushi — pizza’s cousin from the far east. 

 

2. The Meat Place
This restaurant has burgers, chicken, and again somehow sushi – two kinds! Definitely the place to be on a Saturday night. Although food critics have complained that the frozen hamburgers taste microwaved, I have an uncle that once ate at McDonald’s as a teenager and he says that it’s almost as good. 

 

3. Mrs. Leibowitz’s Catering 
Mrs. Leibowitz has the best and only Kosher catering in town! She caters for all the hottest Bar Mitzvahs. The hefty price-tag can be a drawback for some of our non-millionaire readers, but it’s worth it to feel like a fancy New York Jew that gets to eat outside of their house every once in a while. I recommend the vegetarian cholent!

 

4. Starbucks
Not everything at the local Starbucks is Kosher, but black coffee sure is! We definitely think this counts because even if you can’t order any food, sitting inside a restaurant with other people, especially non-Jews, is nothing short of exhilarating. 

 

5. The Other Meat Place
This place used to be a real competitor but it’s been moved to fifth place since it burned down for the third time. According to rumors, the owners keep torching it for the insurance money, but there’s no way that the insurance company hasn’t caught on by now, right? Anyway, I’d say it’s a loss for Midwestern Jewish culture but the FDA never gave them above a C rating.

Kiddush Club

We are still collecting responses for the prompt Jewish Camp Horror Stories.
Think "things that could really only have happened at Jewish camp."
Take that as you will. If you would like to contribute, click here.

Special shout out to GG Rosenberg of NJ for being our first submission,
and having it involve poultry murder:

"It was the summer of 2015 and I was at a communist Jewish farm camp. (let's go Eden Village!) There was a chicken and a ten-year-old boy. The boy. . . executed the chicken. If I remember correctly, it had happened when he chased the chicken into a bush and spray-painted it. It might have been some other form of murder, though. He was excommunicated from the camp. End of true story."
SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: Schmear: Bagelry & Cafe (on Instagram)
AKA our alter ego (or maybe our new best friends? TBD)

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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D. Silvera, J. Mizrahi, L. Slomka, E. Planer, A. Weiss, M. Levisohn, & Z. Siegman.






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