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Satire for the people who invented satire.

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue III
15 Shevat | January 28, 2021
Happy Tree Day!


It's Tu Bishvat and you know what that means – it's the first holiday since we launched The Schmear! In that spirit, today's newsletter consists of Jewish holiday, fruit, and fake fruit-related articles.

For those of you wondering about the odd events of last week, we did genuinely get an email about changing our name. And we learned much, much later that it was a well-crafted prank by our friend Sam who had too much time on his hands. If this perplexes or impresses you, get in line. We can't quite believe it ourselves. (If the actual owner of Schmear Cafe sees this, we're sorry for the confusion. Keep on doing what you're doing.)


Anyway, it's Tu Bishvat, when we eat fruit, plant trees, eat raisins, read The Lorax, drink fruit juice, read The Giving Tree, and talk about plants. And did I mention you should eat fruit?

And while you're celebrating this most sacred holiday, tell some friends about The Schmear. We are off to a tremendous start, and we love all of our followers! But, being a Jewish publication, we will never truly be satisfied until we make it big enough that Andy Samberg responds to our tweets or Sarah Silverman writes a bit about us.

Have a wonderful day, watch The Lorax, stay hydrated, and enjoy today's fruit content.

With Lox of Love,
The Schmear Staff

Scroll down for some very important news articles, a critical ranking of Jewish holidays, bagel horoscopes, one sexy schmear, and some Kiddush gossip.

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Local Non-Jew opens Sunkist fruit gem before the bat mitzvah kid finishes Maftir, disrupts entire service


CHARLOTTE, NC – Just as Mikayla Wasserman, age 13, began to chant the maftir portion at her bat mitzvah, she was interrupted by a sound from the far back corner of the sanctuary. At 11:46 on Saturday morning at Congregation Beth Shalom, Nick Thomsen, Mikayla’s piano teacher, was opening a Sunkist fruit gem, which he had just been handed by Mikayla’s younger cousin, Isabella.

“I thought it was nice of them to give out snacks,” said Thomsen, who had been seated by himself in services since the start time listed on the invitation, regardless of the fact that even the Wasserman family wasn’t there until 45 minutes later. “I meant to open it quietly, but all of a sudden, the whole room had turned around and was looking at me.”

“It was super distracting,” Mikayla commented after the service was over, as she straightened the white half-length cardigan she wore over her purple strapless dress and draped her silver sparkly Tallit over a chair in the social hall. “I mean, I was able to get back on track by doing what my tutor Cantor Sherri taught me. I took a deep breath, visualized my color-coded binder with the words in English, and kept going.”

Mikayla expressed gratitude that Thomsen, who has been her teacher for three years, was present at her bat mitzvah – Mikayla’s mother Jody, however, felt differently. “Of course I saw Nick,” she said, “He was wearing a polo shirt. A polo shirt in a synagogue, can you imagine? And he had the nerve to open the candy before the haftorah. Didn’t he read the handout where we explained how the service goes, exactly for this reason? Or he couldn’t have looked around and seen that no one else was eating them? I’m going to have to give him a call this week.”

Thomsen already has plans to remedy his mistake. “I felt so bad about disrupting Mikayla,” he said, “that I’m going to donate an extra set of watercolors to her mitzvah project of sending art supplies to kids in Central America.”

Mikayla’s 10 year old brother Benjy seemed to show support for Thomsen’s heinous actions. “While everyone was looking at Mr. Thomsen, me and my friend Zack snuck out a whole basket of candies and ate them behind the couch in the lobby.”

Thomsen shared his regrets at instigating the entire fiasco. “Those candies are nasty. And why are they so loud, anyway?”

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Out of 3 Jews on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and                             
Kansas City Chiefs rosters, 1 will play in the Super Bowl.

Out of the 2 teams, 1 is owned by a Jew.

We'll see you next week!

OPINION: Inventing the Cherry Tomato Doesn’t Excuse Israel’s Actions


I am a proud Zionist, and there are many things that make me proud of my home nation – so when I hear people on campus discussing Israel, I am quick to respond with the many ways that Israel has actually made the world a better place: Waze, USB drives, drip irrigation, and so much more. 

But there’s one thing that I can’t quite get past; I don’t think that inventing the cherry tomato excuses all of Israel’s actions. 

Not only is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict an incredibly complex and provacative situation with unlimited sides and opinions involved, but cherry tomatoes just aren’t that good. Think about it. Whenever you eat one, it’s either too soggy, or it’s so ripe that it bursts and gets juice all over your shirt. And sometimes you pick one up and it’s all wrinkly. It’s just nasty.

I get that it’s nice to have tomatoes that are small enough to throw on a salad without being cut, but in the scheme of things, how much time does it really save? Especially when you consider how hard it is to get one on your fork. You can’t scoop it up because it’ll roll right off, but if you try to stab it, you run the risk of it erupting juice everywhere.

I’m sorry to undermine the accomplishments of the 12 year breeding program of Doctors Kedar and Rabinovitch at the Rehovot campus of the Hebrew University, but the “improved ripening time and shelf life” they brag about isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, let’s be real; it’s neat, but playing a game of “mushy or explosive” roulette every time you take a bite simply isn’t what I want from my tomato experience.

So next time I see an educational infographic or go to an Israeli culture night at Hillel, and someone mentions the cherry tomato, I just don’t think I will be convinced that this justifies the political reality of the situation in the West Bank. Because a cherry tomato is nothing more than a less-sweet grape, and that is something that I honestly don’t think anyone needs. Gross.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - The constellation Lox has moved into the dynamic area of your chart this week. Be prepared for your therapist to start charging for texting during non-working hours.
Sesame - Your cat is not coming back no matter how much tuna you dump on your front lawn. 
Cinnamon Raisin - You are aligned with blintzes this week. No matter how much you hate that jerk IT guy, don’t piss him off—he’s got all of your internet history and he’s not afraid to use it.
Pumpernickel - You'll wake up early on Sunday. Whatever you do, don't go back to sleep.
Everything - You will get a promotion but be forced to resign in disgrace in a month or so.
Blueberry - The Sun has moved into the Manischewitz portion of your chart. You will see an old friend in the “people you may know” section on Facebook and completely ignore it.
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Top 9 Jewish Drinking Holidays

 

1. Tu Bishvat

Oh yeah! Jewish Arbor Day, get ready to party! Everyone knows Tu Bishvat as the top drinking holiday on the Jewish calendar. Wine is technically a fruit if you think about it, so bottoms up!

 

2. All the Fast Days 

We’re counting the fast days throughout the year as just one holiday, just like you’re counting that comically oversized cup as just one glass of wine. Sure some Rabbis might claim that drinking before noon isn’t “in the spirit of the day,” but if you end up hurling it basically balances out. 

 

3. Good Friday 

Any day that involves remembering the time we murdered Yoshke the Nazarene is a good day for us! That’s why the Jewish people celebrate Good Friday every year by getting together and drinking – it’s a wonder that the goyim haven’t figured out we’re the ones that named the day. 

 

4. Yom Kippur 

Nothing washes away sin like a couple of brewskis, and it definitely won’t be your first time smuggling a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon into shul – you’re gonna need a little buzz if you’re gonna get through atoning for the three times you woke up in a dumpster just over the Aseret Yemei Tshuvah. 

 

5. That Holiday You Can’t Remember the Name of 

You know, the one where everyone overeats at dinner. Probably has something to do with wandering in the desert if we had to guess. You blacked out at this holiday every year since your Bar Mitzvah which probably explains why you can’t remember what it’s called.

 

6. Festivus 

Let’s be honest. At this point pretending there’s a reason for you to be drinking is just a formality. 

 

7. Groundhog Day

Relieving the same day over and over again sounds familiar, no? At least your life only feels like the same day over and over because you live a depressing, uneventful life with no one to love you. And before you ask, of course standing around in black suits and hats in order to kvetch about the weather is a Jewish tradition. 

 

8. Isru Chag

You don’t even know what this one is, do you? We’re willing to bet you don’t even give a shit, you worthless sad sack. You’re a burnout that hit rock bottom and kept digging. Your Bubby is disappointed in you.

 

9. Purim 

Jewish halloween is a festive holiday where we dress up in costumes, read the story of Mordecai and Esther from a scroll called the megillah, and of course have a few shots with the Kiddush Club! L’chaim!

Kiddush Club
This is the part where The Schmear hears from YOU

Answer the prompt: Bar Mitzvah Party Horror Stories
Can be from your own or anyone else's bar/bat mitzvah party.
Take it as you will. If you would like to contribute, click here.
SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
This goyish schmear is courtesy of: Real Housemoms
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D. Silvera, J. Mizrahi, L. Slomka, E. Planer, A. Weiss, M. Levisohn, & Z. Siegman.






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