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Satire for the people who invented satire.

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue IV
22 Shevat | February 4, 2021

If you've taken advice from a groundhog this week, maybe think again...

Dear Reader,

The Schmear launched a month ago (wow!) and it's been a truly crazy month! We at The Schmear got pranked, our American readers got a new president, our Israeli readers either got a vaccine or got Covid on their way to get a vaccine. We celebrated Tu Bishvat together, and this week, we celebrated yet another incredibly important Jewish milestone: Groundhog Day.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means that there will be another 6 weeks of winter, which sorta checks out.

And really, what is more Jewish than trusting an animal that doesn't cross our minds for a single day the rest of the year, that can't possibly have any kind of authority on the matter, to give some kind of mystical prediction or warning about our future? (See: Noah's dove, Jonah's worm, the High Priest's goats, Balaam's donkey – and those are just off the top of my head. I'm 100% sure there's more.)

The only thing more inherently Jewish than that is the terrifying realization that regardless of Phil's prediction, Passover starts next month.

We hope you all have a wonderful long winter!

Lox of Love,
The Schmear Team

Scroll down for some very important news articles, bagel horoscopes, one sexy schmear, and some special opportunities for our early readers.

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Embarrassing: Ashkenazi Couple’s Surprise Familial Relation Reflects Poorly on Jewish Geography Skills


CHICAGO, IL – One month before their wedding, Nathan Levine of Skokie and Rayna Greenblatt of Highland Park were devastated to learn of a Jewish geography connection they had overlooked: in a shocking twist of fate, they discovered they are 3rd cousins.

Levine and Greenblatt had been dating for just under two years and were planning their wedding for the end of the month, when they realized that they had both invited Herb Blumenthal while going over the guest list, as he is first cousin to both of their grandfathers.

Their grandfathers’ mothers were two of twelve siblings, many of whose descendents never had any reason to meet each other, as they were dispersed across Europe, Israel, and the United States. But Levine and Greenblatt have nonetheless been horrified at their own failings of Jewish geography.

Levine, an alum of Camp Moshava, NCSY, and Columbia University, and Greenblatt, an alumna of Camp Ramah, BBYO, and the University of Maryland both pride themselves on their ability to map out their connection with nearly any Jewish person they meet.

“I remember our first date,” Greenblatt said. “By the time the food came, we knew that I babysat his dentist’s daughter and his dad was college roommates with my kindergarten teacher’s brother-in-law. So I just can’t express how embarrassing it is that we missed out on our own familial relation.”

“I’m just mortified that I had to tell my old camp buddies the wedding was off just because I broke my streak,” said Levine, who has gone nine years without meeting a Jew he couldn’t figure out his relation to, provided that they were from the Northeast, Midwest, or certain parts of Florida.

Their mothers, Sara Levine and Dafna Greenblatt, are equally distressed, both about the years the couple wasted with each other when they could have had kids with other partners by now, as well as the failure on their own part to recognize their relation to each other (2nd cousins) when they were first introduced. They have since realized that they were in fact at the same cousin’s wedding 25 years ago.

“I’m bringing my family tree on first dates from now on,” said Levine.

“I promise I’m not bad at Jewish geography,” said Greenblatt, who is this reporter’s niece’s best friend’s algebra tutor.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Joey and Gabe played frisbee with their kippot in Hebrew School but then
Morah Shira saw them and made them sit in opposite corners of the room.

We'll see you next week!
Kiddush Club
This is the part where The Schmear hears from YOU

We asked for your best Bar Mitzvah Party Horror Stories.
Here was one of our favorite responses:

"We were playing that scavenger hunt game and the item I think was deodorant. I knew our women’s bathroom had fancy baskets for bar mitzvahs so I ran into the girls bathroom and my crush was in there. Immediately ran back out so embarrassed"
- Jeremy Reiskind, 25

**If you have your own story to share, submit it with this FORM.**

The Perks of Being the Only Jew in Your Friend Group

 

Yes, there are plenty of us who do not live in Jew-heavy areas – and quite often we end up the only Jew in our little group of friends. While we are often misunderstood, misrepresented, or flaunted for diversity, it’s not all bad! Here are some of the best parts of being the only Jew in your friend group.

  1. We get WAY more holidays than everyone else. Want to get out of a boring activity? Feel like celebrating something for no reason? Throw out some random holiday, or hell, just make up your own. What the fuck are they going to do, check you on it? Yeah, right. Throw those holidays around like there’s no tomorrow, because tomorrow probably is one anyways.

  2. You get first dibs on all the Jewish celebrities. Oh, you’re watching Saturday Night Live reruns and two of you are in love with Andy Samberg? Get outta here goy, this Jew boy is all mine! There are plenty of Jewish celebrities that we would all like to marry and, lucky for me, if it’s between me and any other member of my friend group, I win!

  3. It’s honestly a little mysterious. Nobody really knows what the hell Judaism is about, so you’re kind of like an enigma. One entire part of your life seems like a li’l secret society and only you are able to share the secrets – if they know what to ask.

  4. You get all the Jewish jokes on television.  Nothing feels as rewarding as laughing at all of Schmidt’s obscure Jewish jokes in New Girl. It’s like you and Max Greenfield have an inside joke. 

  5. You get to teach your friends about Judaism. Yeah, yeah, you can explain the basics like Shabbat and keeping Kosher, but you also get to throw in the shit that sounds absolutely fake like a clay monster with magic Hebrew writing on it or a holiday where you all dress up, get drunk, and heckle a storyteller.

  6. They love Jewish foods. A lot of your non-Jewish friends really like Jewish foods like Challah or Babka. It gives you an excuse to splurge on some treats. I made challah from scratch with my non-Jewish friend because she wanted to and that shit slapped. Thanks, Shelby!

  7. You don't get judged for not fully observing a holiday. So what if I watched the Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour instead of live-streaming Yom Kippur services this year, my friends don’t care. They’re just impressed that I fasted. In their eyes I am a good Jew.  Plus we got Olive Garden for dinner. Honestly it was a pretty good Yom Kippur.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your favorite bagel says about your future:
Plain - Remember that coffee cup you set down on the table two weeks ago? It's still there.
Sesame - It is time to tap into your sesame-self. Be ready to lie and pretend that you’re actually connected to your religion when you get stopped by a Chabad Rabbi this week on the way home.
Cinnamon Raisin - They might think they won the fight you just had, but you know deep in your heart that you were the winner, and that's what matters. File it away to hold over them next time.
Pumpernickel - The best way to make real change is to call your congresswoman. Let her know you found hair in your salad.
Everything - You are leaving the Chicken Soup cycle this week and entering Gefilte. This is the time to be confident, bold, and passive aggressive to your significant other. Make sure to leave a bad Yelp review at the local Kosher restaurant even though you have known the owner your entire life.
Blueberry - This is not your week. Try not to sneeze. It will only bring you harm.
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Bear Attack Ruins High School Shabbaton, Lots of Students in Woods for Some Reason


CHICAGO, IL – A high school shabbaton was tragically cut short this weekend, thanks to a bear rampaging through the woods surrounding the summer camp where the shabbaton was held. Several students that were in the woods had to be rushed to the hospital, somehow oblivious to warning sounds of an incoming bear.

“We actually heard the bear coming,” said sophomore Katie Schultz, who had been in the woods at the time with junior Jonah Lipman. “I mean, we were just… um… talking about the page of the Talmud that the rabbi taught us about this morning. And we saw it a few yards away, so we got dres-- I mean, we ran away as fast as we could.”

Two freshmen, Rina Abramson and Harry Kleiman, were so far into the forest in the back of camp that they did not hear the shouts of the rest of the school body. “Rina was just showing me around, because she goes to camp there in the summer, and we were looking for a place to… play cards, or something,” Kleiman said. Kleiman’s lower leg has been amputated due an infected bear bite, and Abramson has a bruise on her neck that they both insist also came from the bear attack. She has no other injuries.

Seniors Gabby Tessler and Lillian Grinberg were the heroes of the night. They were responsible for rounding up nearly 20 students from around the woods once they heard the first screams. “We had left the evening activity early, so Lillian could help me, you know, collect some leave samples for our bio lab,” Tessler said. “We got dibs on a really good spot in the woods since we’ve been dati-- I mean, lab partners, for the longest of anyone in our grade. So we heard the yelling first and we knew we had to help the freshmen who don’t know the area as well as we do.”

In an email to parents, Head of School Rabbi Aaron Silver said, “Our top priority is the safety of your children, so we will be suspending all plans for future Shabbatons. While our school’s mission remains to create the next generation of Jewish thinkers, it’s not necessary to create them just now.”

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: Maya Levisohn
"A lovely schmear date with my roommate featuring a toasted honey whole wheat bagel with plain schmear, lox, tomato, and avocado"

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D. Silvera, J. Mizrahi, L. Slomka, E. Planer, A. Weiss, M. Levisohn, & Z. Siegman.






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