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The content God wishes He could've given at Mt. Sinai

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue חי
2 Sivan | May 13, 2021

Happy cheese week!

In other words, Shavuot is coming up! A whole holiday where God commanded us to eat cheesecake, blintzes, and obviously bagels and cream cheese! That is the point of the holiday, right?

And of course, we also celebrate the anniversary of getting the Torah at Mount Sinai, which was like a pretty big deal in the overall history of our people.

But most importantly, today also marks the 18th week of The Schmear. And if you've ever gotten a check for your bar mitzvah for $18, you know that 18 is a special number for Jews, for... reasons. So the fact that our 18th week is also our Shavuot issue can truly only mean that The Schmear is a heavenly gift and we're doing God's work (humbly, of course.)

So enjoy this dairy issue and have a meaningful holiday. Don't forget to ask good questions and take your Lactaid pills.

Lox of Love, 
The Schmear Team

Scroll down to read about an Omer tragedy, an awkward encounter of two souls, and a Jewish masochist...

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Tragic: This Man Forgot to Count Omer Last Night

 

STAMFORD, CT — In an unfortunate lapse of memory, Stamford native Elie Sharansky forgot to count the Omer last night, missing what would have been the 47th and penultimate night before Shavuot. 

Sharansky, who until last night had maintained a seven year perfect streak, was reminded of his error at a Shacharit minyan this morning. “I was standing there, wrapping up,” said Sharansky, “when all of a sudden I hear the chazan start saying last night’s count.” Sharansky reportedly bellowed a cry of rage and punched the wall as he recited the tally without a blessing.

“I haven’t shaved in seven weeks. Not even for Lag B’omer,” he said, tears streaking down his cheeks and into his stiff, patchy beard. “And for it to end like this? What kind of God would allow for something like this?

Sharansky reportedly received a notification for his daily reminder while he was still in his 8PM night seder class. “I must have swiped it away, thinking I’d remember it later.”

Sources close to Sharansky say that he is considering converting to Buddhism, and that he plans to live the rest of his life under a vow of silence out of shame.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David

This week in Jewish Sports:

Zack committed to a Big 10 school!
Not to play football or anything.

Just to be a student.

We'll see you next week!

Awkward: I’ve Been Avoiding this Guy Since Our Souls Met at Har Sinai

 

I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is to walk into a Starbucks on the Upper West Side and come face to face with the guy I’ve literally been avoiding since our souls met at Har Sinai.

I mean, out of all of the Jewish people from every single generation since the inception of our people to the end of time who gathered for the giving of the Torah, my neshama had to be standing next to Jacob Harrison Goldblatt? And then, 3000-some-odd years later, out of all the coffee shops in Manhattan – not to mention the rest of the world – he had to be in mine? It’s frankly upsetting.

To be fair, I knew he was in the city. I’d seen him tagged in some Facebook event invites, but I always came up with a reason to skip those. I don’t specifically remember meeting him, of course, but as soon as I saw his name on the registration list for an NCSY convention in middle school, my neshama automatically knew something was wrong. My guess is just that we didn’t really get along at the foot of the mountain. From what I can tell about him, he was probably high at Zman Matan Torateinu and my soul just wasn’t able to be moved by the sounds of the Shofar or the voice of Hashem because he was blasting Lil Yachty so loud I could hear it through his AirPods.

So I’ve been avoiding him these last couple thousand years. And I cannot express my disgust at being forced to look him in the eyes in the door of this Starbucks, as he stares for a second, and says, “Hey, you’re Becky, right? Leah’s friend?”

Listen Jakey-boy, my name is Becca, and you knew that. Don’t pretend you don’t recognize me. Our neshamas met at Har Sinai, and that’s not something you fucking forget.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - The disappointments in your life can all be attributed to your worst bad habit. Stop eating cheese.
Sesame - You have struggled, but you have overcome. Eat all the cheese you want.
Cinnamon Raisin - The happiness you seek is buried deep within a cheesecake. You'll have to eat the whole thing to find it. You can thank me later.
Pumpernickel - It will serve you well to study and learn the difference between whipped cream and sour cream.
Everything - Take great care to smell the milk before you drink it this week. But then you should probably drink it, regardless of the smell. I'm serious. If you trust me, drink the damn milk.
Blueberry - While cheese may be your downfall, yogurt will be your salvation.
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Lactose Intolerant Ashkenazi Masochist Serves Third Cheesecake Of Shavuot

 

BOSTON, MA — On the second night of Shavuot, Jessica Gelman served yet another cheesecake for dessert, laughing with glee at the effect it would soon have on her lactose-intolerant family. 

“I know there’s some kabbalistic meaning behind abstaining from meat on Shavuot, but to me it’s just the one day a year I get to cut loose, do something fun for myself, and poison my husband and children,” said Gelman. “I buy a shitton of Lactaid and toilet paper in anticipation.”

Studies show that an intolerance to lactose affects 60-80% of Ashkenaz Jews, and the Gelmans are no exception. Of the 6 members of the Gelman household – Jessica, her husband Alan, and their four children – only the family dog is spared the pain of intestinal hellfire after ingesting dairy. For this reason, Jessica Gelman’s menu this year included lasagna, parmesan breaded fish, and potatoes al gratin. 

“I get that the Jews were as innocent as newborns at the mountain so they want us to drink milk like babies do,” said Joey, Gelman’s 17-year-old son. “But the Rabbis could at least have let me suck a titty or something. Sorry, I’m so riled up. There are 6 of us and only two bathrooms.” 

Click here to see this article on the website.

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: What Jew Wanna Eat
This cream cheese and lox blintz is perfect for Shavuot!

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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