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Not your Bubbe's newspaper

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XVI
19 Iyar | April 29, 2021

Bet you don't even know what day of the Omer it is

It's fine. No shame.

I mean, today is like basically the most relevant day of the Omer, since tonight is Lag BaOmer, but we won't judge if you didn't know that.

What is Lag BaOmer? It's the 33rd day of the period in between Passover and Shavuot, and the day we remember the death of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, a leading Mishnaic sage, by having bonfires and getting haircuts, we guess?

But it turns out that the association of the holiday with the death of the Rabbi is due to a printer's error?

So we remember his teachings and the 24,000 students of Rabbi Akiva who died by having barbecues and shaving?

Not sure why we're acting like this is confusing. It makes about as much sense as any of our other holidays.

Have a nice day, to all those who celebrate!

Lox of Love, 
The Schmear

Scroll down to read about a miracle baby, an inspiring elementary schooler, and a disappointed old man... Plus, Schports and Bagel-o-scopes are back...

Click here to see all of our content!

Miracle Baby Born Without IBS

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Nothing short of a miracle took place at Manhattan's Mount Sinai Hospital last night, where Melissa and Zev Pressman gave birth to an inexplicably IBS-free baby boy.

The child appears to have been born without the rare intestinal disorder that causes abdominal pain and difficult bowel movements, common to Jews as a result of years of ancestral inbreeding. 

While the parents were initially relieved to hear the news about their son -- whose name will not be revealed until his parents mutilate him in a ritualistic blood-drawing ceremony while ravenously consuming bagels -- they still do have some concerns.

“We were planning on sending him to Jewish day school, after all,” said the new father, pacing back and forth at great speeds. “What if he’s totally socially ostracized as the boy who spends less than half an hour in the stall when he goes to the bathroom?” 

Renowned child psychologist Dr. David Saperstein expressed similar thoughts. “Although I can’t comment on what exact steps the new parents should take,” said Dr. Saperstein, “I recommend they encourage their son to pretend he is having stomach issues in elementary school so that he can fit in.

“As he gets older we can hope that he develops lactose intolerance or a severe airborne peanut allergy or one of the more fashionable conditions along those lines.” 

At press time, Mount Sinai doctors said they would run tests on the child, but that they were hopeful of his odds for a Crohn’s disease diagnosis.

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach David, who is back from hiatus and feeling better than ever!

This week in Jewish Sports:

Aaron and Jonathan decided to play frisbee
outside the Hillel building, but then they broke a light fixture.

We'll see you next week!

Heartwarming: Nine Year Old Girl Inspires Community, Donates to Locks For Love

 

DALLAS, TX – Local hero, nine year old Annie Halpern, wasn’t looking for recognition on Sunday when she donated a nine-inch portion of her hair to the nonprofit charity Locks For Love, which provides hair prosthetics to sick children suffering from hair loss. Recognition, however, is exactly what she received.

Some have called the donation, completed as part of her fourth grade class’s mitzvah project, “the most heartwarming and selfless act this community has seen in years.” Others have lauded Annie’s courage in giving up her signature dark brown curls. 

“I wanted to do something really important,” Annie said about her donation. “I hope those bald losers can appreciate my compassion.”

As soon as Annie’s Judaic studies teacher announced the assignment at the beginning of the calendar year, Annie knew she would grow out her hair. For four long months, Annie neglected to brush or even condition her hair waist-length ringlets, until the fateful day finally arrived on Sunday when Annie’s mother sheared her scraggly ponytail in front of tens of viewers on Facebook live.

When Annie, whose hair now falls just an inch below her ears, put her locks in an envelope and mailed it across the country to the nonprofit charity, she knew that her life would be defined by her mitzvah.

“It’s a true motivation to all of us of the Dallas community to see someone so young do something so revolutionary,” said Annie’s rabbi, Ben Eisenstein. “Just thinking of all the lives out there that will be touched by her kindness and the ones who will be encouraged to follow her lead… it gives me hope.”

“I’m really proud of what I did,” Annie said, “but I hate this new haircut. I didn’t think it was gonna be so short. I better get an A.”

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - Can you feel the love tonight? 
Sesame - When will your reflection show who you are inside?
Cinnamon Raisin - Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Pumpernickel - Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?
Everything - Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Blueberry - Reindeers are better than people. Don't you think that's true?
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Jewish Man on Deathbed Disappointed to Learn it is Unclear if we Believe in Heaven

 

LAWRENCE, NY — Local Jewish man, Jacob Steiner, age 79, was reportedly exceptionally bitter after discovering that the Jewish concept of Heaven is complicated to say the least.

“Well it just isn’t as simple as having a Heaven with lox and bagels instead of halos and harps. There are different concepts ranging from reincarnation, resurrection of the dead, to simply nothingness. But I certainly didn’t expect him to throw something at me when I told him that,” said Rabbi Shlomo Adler after Mr. Steiner allegedly mustered the remaining strength in his arthritis-ridden hands to thrust a book in the direction of Rabbi Adler’s head.

“So first this shmendrik told me that worst-case scenario, hell only lasts up to 11 months, which was a relief frankly. I lived in the Five Towns for the last 50 years, I can handle another 11 months. But now suddenly there’s controversy over whether I’m going to the Garden of Eden, waiting for resurrection, or the Messiah? Give me a break. Unless I’m being resurrected with a full head of hair and a fixed hip I prefer to stay in the ground, thank you very much. And if my first wife Diane is there don’t even think about bringing me back,” groaned Mr. Steiner while repeatedly pressing the call nurse button on his bed’s remote.

At press time, Mr. Steiner was complaining loudly that he would have been a lot stingier with the few hundred dollars he had donated to charities over the course of his lifetime if he had known that rabbinic scholars are in such disagreement over the existence of an afterlife. 

Click here for the article on the website.

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