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Not your Bubbe's newspaper

The Schmear Weekly Newsletter: Issue XIV
5 Iyar | April 15, 2021

If you’re running low on free blue & white t-shirts, don’t worry — it’s Yom Ha’atzmaut!

We Jews celebrate our country’s independence very differently from Americans. Israeli 4th of July is a time for gathering in the park with your local Bnei Akiva branch and leaving crappy plastic flags all over the grass (but in all seriousness, don’t litter), and if you’re lucky, maybe a more affordable version of the Miami Boys Choir will blow out a set of rental speakers while performing over a karaoke version of “Mahapechah”, simultaneously ruining the neighbors’ afternoons and the possibility of getting the park permit again next year. 

Would a family barbecue and some fireworks be less intrusive and more fun than dancing in a circle with the sweatiest guys from your rival high school? Sure. And that’s saying something – let’s not forget fireworks are literally explosives. But we Jews aren’t a people of subtlety. 

When God guided us through the desert, did he do it with a fold-out map, a pair of Tevas, and a bucket hat? No. He did it with a column of fire. That’s just how we roll – we tear down city walls with trumpet solos, we celebrate the death of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai with giant bonfires, and we’ve even worked with Israeli Muslms to draft legislature preventing a ban on being loud for religious reasons. You read that right! Despite all the conflict between Jews and Muslims, we can at least agree we’re obnoxious. 

So this Yom Ha’Atzmaut, don’t be afraid to go wild. Then again, it’s not like we need an excuse to party. 

Lox of Love, 
The Schmear

Scroll down to read about an accidental visitor to a BDS rally, a huge win for Zionism on campus, and a memorial for an Israeli hero...

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Win for Zionism on Campus: American Birthright participant just hooked up with an IDF Soldier

 

These days, college campuses can often be filled with anti-Israel propaganda, and students end up hiding their opinions just because of the pressure they feel to fit in with the crowd. But all that might change thanks to a stunning display of Zionist pride by UC Berkeley chem major Molly Segel and her Birthright guide, IDF Air Force Technician Noam Ohayon.

As part of Taglit-Birthright’s soldier sponsorship program, Noam recently joined one of Mayanot’s summer trips with students from UC Berkeley. After an emotional tour of Har Herzl, Noam reportedly opened up to Molly. The two then hooked up several times over the course of the next few days, in locations ranging from youth hostel bunk beds to the bathrooms in the lobby of a hotel during a kosher breakfast buffet. This marks a huge tide-turner for young Zionists everywhere!

According to posts on Molly’s Instagram from just a few months ago, she was still “on the fence” about the whole Israel issue. But in a recent post with Noam, she wrote that she was “so proud of [Noam] for protecting our homeland.” Good stuff, Noam! Way to go!

If only we could send hunky soldiers to college campuses all across the U.S. They could meet impressionable students whose worldviews are still developing and make their irrigation systems drip, if you catch our drift. Now that would change some minds!

Click here to see this article on the website.

SCHPORTS:
Sports reporting you can count on
With Coach Tamar

This week in Jewish Sports:

Israeli athletes will compete in the 2020 Olympics this summer.
Will they win? Probably not. 

Will I follow them enthusiastically anyway? You bet.

We'll see you next week!

Confused Dominatrix Accidentally Attends Rally for BDS Movement 

 

BERKELEY, CA – Clad in tight-fitting leather fetishwear, local dominatrix Susie Sanders told reporters that her attendance at a rally in support of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement that took place on the quad of UC Berkeley last Monday was unintentional. 

“I came here to f**k,” said Sanders, who was looking to participate in a hardcore BDSM orgy. “I’m not really a political activist. The only violent oppression I’m interested in is completely consensual and involves a lot more nipple clamps.”

The other attendees were equally confused by Sanders’s attendance. “At first I thought her harness and matching gimp mask were part of some kind of performance protest art piece emphasizing the motivations behind complex power structures,” said UC Berkeley sophomore and BDS activist Kelly Laughlin, “but the riding crop in her hand — which for a moment I thought symbolized the dehumanizing effect advanced technology can have in the context of the multifaceted and complex struggle in the middle east — was kind of a tip-off that she was actually only there to sexually dominate consenting partners.”

On her way home, Sanders was seen handing out fliers for her bi-monthly gang bang in Irvine.

Click here to see this article on the website.

🥯 Bagel-o-scope  🥯
What your bagel choice says about you:
Plain - The next falafel you eat will change your life for the better. But the one after that will change your life for the worse.
Sesame - Stop telling people that you climbed Masada on Birthright instead of taking the lift. They just don't care.
Cinnamon Raisin - If you go to Jerusalem and bring back a cat, just remember, your neighbors will hate you and so will the cat.
Pumpernickel - Saturn is in retrograde. You should look up the meaning of "apartheid" before you build a conversation around it.
Everything - Drink the tap water" they tell you. "Drink it." You avoid it at all costs. So they slip it to you. They tell you it's not tap, they promise you it's not tap. It is tap. You suffer the consequences. The bathroom never smells the same again. The poison has won. 
Blueberry - The difference between you and Golda Meir is that she looked much better in a suit and pearls. And also that she founded a country. What have you done?
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Check out some of our other Israel articles,
in case you missed them the first time around!


Hillel Member Posts Infographic to Instagram Story,
Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict


Area Kid Went on Gap Year; We Get It

Opinion: Inventing the Cherry Tomato Doesn’t Excuse Israel’s Actions

A crash landing is still technically a landing: Remembering Israel's space program on the Yahrtzeit of Beresheet

 

On April 11th, we observed the second yahrtzeit of Beresheet – the small, determined, and inspiring robotic-lunar-lander-that-could that was set to be Israel’s debut on the Moon.

Beresheet was built by a team from SpaceIL and Israel Aerospace Industries, and set many records with graceful purpose: she made Israel the seventh country to orbit the Moon and the fourth to reach it, and was both the smallest lunar lander and the first non-governmental mission to the Moon.

In February of 2019, Beresheet bravely launched from the historic shores of Cape Canaveral and traveled unfalteringly for nearly two months before she began her spirited descent. Unfortunately, on April 11, 2019, at only 150 meters away from the surface of the Moon, Beresheet lost communication with the control center. As the world watched, our pertinacious voyager crashed, not to be heard from again.

But, look, okay, here’s the thing — a crash landing is still a landing, right?

And despite that night two years ago feeling like a heart-rending disappointing failure for Zionist space nerds everywhere, there is still (a pile of remnants of) an Israeli flag on the Moon! And that’s pretty damn cool! The only other countries to land on the Moon are the US, Russia, and China — just a bunch of rich dorks — so it’s about time an underdog got into the race.

You know what else is awesome? If you were thinking “Beresheet’s payload,” then you’re absolutely correct. Our plucky little spacecraft was carrying 30 million pages of data, including the entire Wikipedia, the Torah, memoirs of a Holocaust survivor, and the Israeli Declaration of Independence. Your Apollos could never!

So today, on this second anniversary of the passing of a true Jewish hero, I implore you: when you look up at that lovely silver sphere hanging in the sky (what Shakespeare once called a “moist star.” Yeah, look it up.) don’t think, “I can’t believe Israel crashed its lunar probe and embarrassed itself on a universal level,” or even “oh, hey, the Moon looks nice tonight, but I wish someone would explain to me what it actually has to do with the tides” – instead, smile to yourself and think, “there’s an Israeli flag up there, kinda! They did it!"

Beresheet’s life was tragically cut short, but in the little time that we knew her, she still managed to teach us about hope, perseverance, technological breakthroughs, and the power of Jewish philanthropists. In other words, she was an Israeli success story. Beresheet, you’re gone, but never forgotten; rubble, but never rubbish. You may have crash landed on the moon, but in doing so, you crash landed into our hearts.

Note: Follow SpaceIL for more updates on Beresheet 2.

Click here for the article on the website.
Photo from SpaceIL/Israel Aerospace Industries 

SEXY SCHMEAR OF THE WEEK
Courtesy of: Holy Bagel in Jerusalem
This is a fine picture and all, but we feel it is our duty to acknowledge that Israel just does not excel at bagels. It's too bad, but such is life.

Made your own Sexy Schmear lately? Show us here!
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