At some time in our past we made certain decisions that help shape the identity we now have. What we focus on, how we relate to others and how we want others to see us, are shaped by certain decisions we made earlier in our life. These decisions generally affect our world view as well as all areas of our life; health, relationships and finances.
Major decisions help shape the identity we now assume. Any time you repeat a behavior- it could be anger, depression, helplessness or tolerance – it is because you are gaining something from it. For instance sometimes women growing up with an abusive father decide never to show vulnerability or hurt in order to deal with the father’s abuse. They decide to be seen as a winner rather than a victim and so suppress the feminine vulnerable emotional part of themselves. When we make a major decision we are fulfilling some basic need that created certain benefits and consequences in our life. We may decide on relationships based on security rather than love because we have been hurt and disappointed by people we loved and trusted in the past.
Our belief system and self image may be based on decisions made when we were very young and did not have the wisdom of a mature adult. Sometimes the decisions we made in the past have outlived their usefulness and are keeping us back from enjoying a loving, trusting relationships or exploring new opportunities in life. We could find ourselves suffering from guilt, fear, inability to trust, or anger and frustration.
To get past these feeling and move on with our life we need to identify when we made that decision to respond to life in that limiting way. For instance you could ask yourself what caused you not to trust others? When did you first have that feeling? Identifying the event that triggered the emotion will help us to see what need they were meeting and what were the benefits and consequences. It is only after you discover the reason you made these limiting decisions that you can make a new decision that will enhance your relationships and bring more fulfillment in your life.
Not all major decisions are bad. Many past major decisions serve us and will continue to serve us in positive ways throughout our life. But if you find yourself indulging in negative emotions and feelings and are unable to successfully keep a relationship, commit with love to someone, find meaningful activity or feel that you are stuck, financially, emotionally or otherwise, it could be that some decision is holding you back. For most of us it is very difficult to see ourselves differently and make real changes to our identity.
Here are some tips to help you overcome these barriers. Start by considering all the various areas of your life: your relationships, your finances, your work, your life. What do you focus on most of the time? What gives you the most satisfaction? Where do you feel most unfulfilled? Is there something that is particularly frustrating?
Go back to your childhood. Make a list of five things you liked about your mother and father and five things you disliked about them. Now make a list of the traits that you adopted and those that you tried not to have. What have been the consequences of your decisions? How have these decisions affected your life and your view of the world? What experiences from your childhood have a profound impact on you and how has this affected your life? Your relationships, your view on money and the world?
Most times we make major decisions in times of crisis. Take yourself back to a time when you felt you had a powerful experience – of fear, pain, hurt, humiliation – whatever you remember in your childhood or adult life. This will help you discover feelings, fear and emotions that you haven’t recognized or did not acknowledge at the time.
Doing these exercises will help clarify issues you are facing and beliefs and emotions that are holding you back. Once you have reached this point you can now take steps to create the experience you want in your life.
Our emotions are the key to living a healthy, fulfilling life. To grow effectively we need the tools to develop healthy emotions. As a certified health coach and Strategic Interventionist I can help you work through your issues and become the person you want. Schedule an appointment today. E mail firstname.lastname@example.org
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