Is it or isn't it?
A La Carte Coaching
Not mine to carry...

By Caroline

Lately, I have been confronted by a difficult friendship issue. It made me look inside, asked for coaching around it, shared with trusting friends, analyzed it inside out, and had just about every emotional response you can imagine. It threw me for a loop, to say the least. Thank you all for your straight and powerful coaching, and for your loving and non-judgmental listening.

Today, I can start to see it with more clarity and realize what was my share and what was not, what I could take responsibility and apologize for, and what was not mine to carry, no matter what it looked like from the other side.

I can clearly see how our perception completely influences the situation. Remember when I talked about the kind of “lenses” we wear and how they shape our view of the world? Well, it was just like that. Something from the past was tinting the present and created the issues … on both sides!

I realized I had been carrying my own load from the past. At first, I discounted the issues as “her way of being.” I was OK with it, and could have moved forward and forgiven. But that was my mistake. It would have been better to say what there was to say in the moment, or shortly after. Instead, the issues piled up, it festered, and when I felt blamed, the hurt happened and I got angry. All this unnecessarily…

I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to say how inconsiderate I thought she was, how she was hurting me. I’m sorry I chose instead to not make waves. I believed it was nicer, but “nice” is often cowardly. I swept it under the carpet, and it resulted in not honoring myself.  Eventually, it became an unresolved hurt that made the rest feel difficult. I’m sorry I made her wrong for what was my inability to speak up. That’s mine to carry and I can acknowledge it and apologize for it. But that’s all! It’s time for me to stop carrying other people’s wrongs.

I am committing to try to expunge “nice” from my relationships, and instead, be “real” and “authentic,” which doesn’t mean rude or mean. One can be authentic and loving at the same time. Because, when it comes to relationships, we owe that to ourselves and the other person, in order not to create expectations and unnecessary hurt. But … once something has been acknowledged, then it’s time to forgive and move forward. Time to create boundaries and only carry what’s mine!

To be continued …

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