Criticizing the partner you picked...
A La Carte Coaching

"Rediscover the Spark"

By Caroline

Last month, we discussed what belittling our children can cause and the transformation that “Granting Being” can create. As a reminder, this lovely expression means loving a person for who they are and accepting them for who they are not.
This month I’d like to look at how belittling affects our relationship with our partner.  How often have you heard someone finding fault with his or her mate? How often have you been that person? We complain to family and friends about every little so-called shortcoming … things done, things not done, habits we don’t like. And, what does this create?
The more we project this perception, the more we create our partner that way in others’ eyes … and in ours.
Why do we do this? As humans, we have an inherent desire to have a partner, and we choose the person that we believe will help fulfill our needs for companionship, partnership, love, and support. However, it’s often the little things we first found endearing that, over time, end up irritating us most. And yet, how fair is that? Perhaps we thought that we were going to change the individual in an effort to fit the image of our perfect mate.

Now we’ve set up a scenario for unmet expectations … a sure formula for failure. Our partner – who is the same person he or she has always been – cannot possibly sustain the image we’ve created. We begin to resent him or her for not living up to our expectations. We complain about it, we criticize, and the more we do, the bigger we build our case. Don Miguel Ruiz says it best in The Mastery of Love: “If you want a dog, pick a dog. Don’t pick a cat and expect it to bark!”

So, how do we put a stop to this behavior?
-   First, acknowledge who your partner is and rediscover why you chose him or her in the first place.
-   Detach yourself from the expectations you created by allowing your partner the freedom to be who he or she is … and is not: Granting Being
-   Be self-expressed, authentic and happy by yourself and with yourself.
-   Forgive yourself and forgive your partner.
Now, move forward and focus on what is positive.
Remember the little things that sparked you about your partner and nurture those.


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