Are you arguing about topics and overlooking the issues?
This week, we are discussing:

Getting real in relationships

How to get along.

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What's your problem?

In all my experience of working with couples and families I find that there are often only a couple of things that people argue about. Generally arguments happen when people don't feel respected and don't feel heard. The real problem though is really a clash of values.

Let me give you an example. Let's say your partner is constantly late. You have to be somehwere and they are rarely on time. Does that mean they don't respect you? Maybe. However it is more likely that their values are different to yours and they don't value punctuality in the same way that you do. Imagine that you value being on time, you hate being late and you always arrive somewhere at least a few minutes (often more) before the agreed time. Now if your partner, husband or work colleague does not value being on time in the same way that you do, they may not mind being a few minutes (or more late). When gioing to parties they may prefer to arrive later, when the party is already in full swing. Perhaps they are not good at small talk and would rather arrive when a conversation is in full swing and they can just join a conversation, rather than having to insitigate it.

Often people will argue about topics rather than discuss the issue.
The topic is time management. The issue is respecting each others values.
The topic is watchng tv rather than talking. The issue is not feeling important.
The topic is whose turn is it to cook. The issue is feeling overwhelmed.

I am sure you can think of many other examples. I encourage you, next time when tensions rise and it looks like things might escalate into an argument, you think about (or ask) what the real issue is.

Please email us and let us know what you think.

'til next time


“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
William James
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To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.
Tony Robbins
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