Why is it that couples experiencing relationship discord say that 50-70% of their distress is due to sexual problems whilst contented couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a pleasing sex life? What is it that causes this obvious change in perception?
This difference is because unhappy couples will often focus on sex as the problem simply because this is the place their relationship issues become more evident, whether it is lack of libido or an inability to perform. It also seems like the solution will be simpler ie. a new technique, a little lingerie and some porn. In reality their problems start well outside of the bedroom and are more likely to be due to a lack of emotional intimacy, safety and connection. Science is now proving what is true for babies and children is also true for adults- we have a biological need for emotional connection in order to thrive. This need is either avoided or unseen because the solution appears much harder to come by- dealing with those messy, uncontrollable emotions- yuk!
Sex is about connection and really hot sex is about intimate, emotional connection and the safety for you and your lover to be yourselves- open, real, engaged with each other and gloriously in the moment. Yet weâ€™re bombarded with messages that tell us hot sex is about novelty and excitement with mindblowing orgasm techniques, fantasies, new positions, toys, and maybe even new partners. Yet these solutions are related to our Egoâ€™s need for more and more, an appeasement that lasts only for a time before the itch needs to be scratched once again. The reality is that hot, erotic sex is simpler than this, it just takes the courage and skill to be emotionally intimate, with ourselves as well as with our lovers.
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This is a rerun of a recent article with a powerful message :
There is something that lives in woman, deep inside her, that left unidentified will control and limit her. Awareness begins as a spark and grows to a torrent. This is when she can choose freedomâ€¦
There may be resistance to hearing these words from women attached to the blame game, but I am taking a deep breath and sharing my experience as it has worked for me and trusting it has value for others â€¦I am a woman strongly in her feminine aspect, I believe this is why I have experienced what follows so deeply. What I speak of is separate to each individualâ€™s personal history and I relate this to the feminine collective, as uniquely experienced in woman. I have been â€˜workingâ€™ as they say on myself for a long time- over 30 yrs, experiencing, learning and enjoying much. Sometimes I have made mistakes. I have felt wrong, dealt with it and learned from the consequences. Yet it seemed I had another place of wrongness inside of me that was something else again- a painful, bottomless pit of icky, yucky, uncomfortable SHAME ie. I AM wrong rather than I have done something wrong. It was like an automatic default setting I fell into. Recently I decided to take a good look at this monster, stare it into submission and learn what it had to teach me. What opened up was a new world of ease, openness and Self Love. Read on